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Dance like no one is watching...

   ...love like you'll never be hurt...

       ...sing like no one is listening...

         ...live like it's heaven on earth.

Life is beautiful!

.: wishlist :.
tix to Alicia Keys concert
new digital camera
new phone (pda)
more office clothes
new bikini :)
more shoes
plane ticket to manila
carebear stuffed toy
big black bag

.: previous posts :.

.: archives :.
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October 2004
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December 2004
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March 2005
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
May 2008
June 2008

.: friends :.
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l.a.
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gengkukay
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astron's notebook
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Friday, August 31, 2007

70th post

time: 12:35pm
location: my office workstation

here i am...happy again when just yesterday, i was sad and pissed. my life feels like a game of tug-of-war. just when i'm trying to pull back, i get sucked forward again. it's been a very long game and it's still going. i don't know how it will end. if i pull back harder, i'm afraid i'd fall on the ground and get hurt. i can always just let go but i don't want to give up the fight so easily. if i get pulled in and over the line, i dunno what's in it for me.

-end-
time: 12:48pm

time now: 9:02pm

it's not even past one day and my mood has already changed. i'm not mad nor sad. and i'm definitely not happy. it's more like appalled and disappointed. not by the fact as it hit me but by the suddenness of it. i kinda had the intuition of how it's gonna be, i just wasn't expecting it when it hit me.

what will you do when the person you love the most is also the same person who's causing all your hatred? when the person who's the source of that blissful feeling is also the same person who's causing you pain and sadness?

ever felt like you just want to disappear from this world? that you just want to be dead? make it quick and painless, you shouldn't be carrying the pain with you until death, right? but i won't submit to hurting myself. i know better than doing that. and i still love my life, pathetic as it may seem.




hinahanap-hanap kita manila

i miss manila...where everything is just a call away. food, laundry service, massage, water, your friends...everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. when i wanted to partee, it's just a call away. and more often than not, to our delight, mr. k comes along for free. and when we get really lucky, a little bit of blow joins us too. :D i can't say the same here in HK. and that makes me sooo effin' homesick.



Wednesday, August 29, 2007

memories. they're all i have.

my sister found my old bag...black, checkered, branded polo. taba kept insisting it was my mum's bag. i know it still has some of my stuff in it. in my efforts to prove to her it was mine, i rummaged into it. i found old boarding passes from my previous trips here when i was still coming here during vacations; the receipt for my graduation pictures which i never got to claiming; an old test permit; the directory of AA officers during our time; a lot of other unimportant papers.

but what caught my attention the most were the crucifix keychain (given to him by a priest), concert tickets to incubus live in manila dated march 12, 2004 and two letters that he wrote to me. both were folded and one has this written on the cover fold: "basahin mo ito kapag nalulungkot ka, ok? i love you....(signed: Aid)". so i did. i unfolded it and i read it. and this is what it said:


3:30 am
030404

Baby,
Alam kong la ng tym para bumili ng card or sumthing. kaya kumuha nalang ako ng paper para magsulat. Baby thanx 4 everything, lahat ng ginawa mo saakin, lahat lahat. Msaya ako sa lahat, baby sana di mo ako ipagpalit, sana ako padin kahit anong mangyari. baby sana naiintindihan mo itong sulat ko, kahit malabo, rush eh. hehehe, baby sabihin mo ng selfish ako, pero ngayon iparamdam mo saakin ngyon na nakapag-adjust ka na ok? baby sana alam ko lahat ng nangyayari sayo dun, ok? lahat, "no secrets" ok? bsta hihintayin at hihintayin kita baby, ha? bsta nand2 lang ako!!!
I love you soo...
Miss you na baby...
Miss you.

(signed: Aid)
-End
-3:50 am
-030404


reading that made me think...why didn't i read this during the times i was sad; during the times i was depressed; during the times i was having doubts. i wouldn't be in the situation that i am now if i did. and i wouldn't have learned from my experiences if i did. life taught me lessons the hard way. still, this is one of the things that bring smile to my lips and tears in my eyes.

going to sleep early, still feeling feverish. my body felt so weak while in the office today to the point that i even wanted to lie down on the restroom floor. gonna get some rest and hope i feel better when i wake up.




Tuesday, August 28, 2007

gonna be sick.

i'm not feeling well, been like this since sunday night. my whole body is aching. at first i thought it was because of staying late out last saturday night. but it still hurts even after i got a massage. and now my throat hurts. and everyone who knows me would know that my throat hurting is a sign that i'm gonna be sick. it's been like that since my childhood days. i'll either get toncilitis or pharyngitis. i better get some medication now before it becomes worse.

anyway, i've been thinking these past few days. i wanna get out of here. i wanna go to some other place. i want to go on an adventure. i don't want to stay here. i want to be on the move. i'm bored with my life.



Sunday, August 26, 2007

am i gay?

oh God, i'm still very sleepy. i'm still so tired from last night. i can't believe i got home at 7am this morning. dax surely had fun last night. and i'm officially part of the gay society now both in hk and the philippines. why do i say that? not only do i have a lot of gay friends, i go to gay bars with them. i used to do that in the philippines and did it here in hk last night. we went to two bars, volume and propaganda. i'm a bit surprised that the gay community here in hk is that big when being gay is not really openly accepted here yet. at least not as accepted in manila.

i met new friends and saw old friends. i saw kuya rye and mike in volume. the bars were actually nice, i like the music. and i feel safe in bars like that heheh. i can bump and grind with all the guys in the dance floor and know that no one's gonna touch me. heheh. we've made new friends, benson and kyvans. they were great people, really sweet. we met them because i'm a pimp. hahahah! i had fun. i love gays!

btw, don, if you're reading this, i'm sorry but ashley's right. i have to keep my distance. for everyone else's sake. i won't be happy but...who cares anyway? i can look for other ways to make myself happy. you know what i'm talking about. :D



Friday, August 24, 2007

soulmates?

i know who i want now but don't know where to find him. i never believed in soulmates but there's no harm in starting now, right?

my soulmate will be someone who:

...accepts my weirdness and craziness.
...loves kids like i do.
...tells me his secrets.
...loves to eat like i do.
...will travel with me to different places.
...makes me laugh without trying too hard.
...sings to me til i fall asleep.
...is serious enough to know his responsibilities and still knows how to have fun.
...will once in a while dance with me or just stay with me in the rain.
...will serenade me (using whatever instrument he knows how to play).
...will be with me in a train or bus full of people and protect me.
...strokes my hair when i put my head on his lap.
...knows how to dress, if not fashionably, at least properly.
...doesn't drink too much alcohol. (he has to take care of me when i get drunk :P)
...won't be afraid to express his feelings.
...builds dreams with me.
...is there for me when i cry even for no reason.
...i can have a good conversation with anytime, anywhere.
...wears a pink shirt and look very masculine.
...loves listening to music.
...will watch concerts with me.
...shows big love and respect for his mum.
...dances with me even when there's no music.
...looks at me perfectly even with my imperfections.
...loves me no matter what.

and he doesn't have to be handsome, for he will be handsome in my eyes. i'm tired of searching and longing. i'll wait for my soulmate and i don't care how long it takes.



Thursday, August 23, 2007

somewhere in the middle by dishwalla

I was out the other day
And I saw you in your big black car
And I was waving as you were passing
'Cause I know who you are

You had this look, that of an angel
It was such a bad disguise
Did you think for second I would not realize?

Tripping hard falling down onto the ground
'Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
'Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

I was out the other night
And I saw you so we had a fight
It was late and I was lonely
And it's such a long way home
So I asked you if you'd join me
For a single last call drink
So you turned and bought us 2
And you didn't even blink

You had this look, that of an angel
It was such a bad disguise
When you drink, it makes you angry
When I drink, I want you more and more and more

Tripping hard, falling down onto the ground
'Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
'Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

Well, I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
But I don't like the way things are
And I keep falling to my knees
Somewhere in the middle of this


how does it feel being stuck?...no moving forward, no moving back. you only have yourself, no one else to help. you want to stop but you just couldn't resist. it's all up to you. no one else but you.



Wednesday, August 22, 2007

uncertainty

What do you do when you’re caught in between?
You see those words but don’t know what they mean.
It’s not a question of what’s right or wrong
Will you step back or will you keep moving on.

And with all the obstacles blocking my way,
I keep telling myself I’ll get through alright.
But when reality creeps up on me,
All I can do is run away and hide.

When will I have the courage, when will I be strong?
It’s one of life’s games and I have to play along.
Time comes soon for me to give up the fight.
I’m weak, too weak; take me back to the light.

I wish there wasn’t any need to say goodbye
But I don’t know how much longer I can cry.
Nobody knows what the future brings
There’s no promise of happy endings.

And with all the obstacles blocking my way,
I keep telling myself I’ll get through alright.
But when reality creeps up on me,
All I can do is run away and hide.


All I can do is run away and hide.




Tuesday, August 21, 2007

can you say party? i'll say parteehh!

it has officially been a week since i started on my first job and i'm glad to say....i'm aliiiiiive!!! but i don't know for how long. God, the silence in that office is killing me! for the whole day that i stay there, it's only like 20% of the whole time when you hear something else aside from silence. danny and karen seem more friendly than the others, went to lunch with them today.

anyway, i can't wait for this weekend. friday night, we'll be cheking out this club rumored to be playing dnb songs all night. dax is coming this saturday, gonna go shoppppping during the day and parteeeeeeing during the night. ok, have to contain myself...(don't get overexcited or it will not turn out the way you expected it.)



Sunday, August 19, 2007

new book. new clothes.

i'm gonna be broke soon. but i'm happy that i finally got more work clothes. *woooot*...had a hard time looking for clothes to wear last week. need to wear corporate attire to work and i don't have much of those. so for two days, i bought a jacket, 3 tops and 3 slacks. the slacks are the more important ones since all i had before were jeans.

i also just got home from Rick's daughter's party. she's so adorably cute. i was too scared to carry her though. she's only 3 months old, still too fragile for me. i might break something in her body if i carry her, lol! i have to get more used to socializing in parties like that. but then again, most of them were prolly 10 years older than me so i wouldn't really know how to start a conversation with them.

i also got a new book, which i will be off to bury my head into after this. title is "for one more day" by mitch albom. i'm thinking it's a story about families and how to deal with them. i'm off to find out.



Saturday, August 18, 2007

slap me. shake me. put me in a barrel of ice cold water.

it feels so awkward to update now. he knows about my blog and i don't know if he's checking it or not. how did he find out? coz li'l ol' me can't keep my mouth shut. he talked to me the other day and asked about stuff and i told him about my breakup. and then he accused me of having an easy time getting in and out of relationships. i didn't have time to explain coz i was at work and what better explanation is there than my blog? so yeah, i blurted it out.

anyway, i need to be slapped, or shaked or whatever. someone do anything to wake me up from my stupidity. why am i giving advices to him regarding his relationship? well...ok, it's not stupid. it's what you do for someone you care about. but if it's already hurting you, why still do it? arrrggh!!!! i hate myself! that's what i was afraid of...talking to him, him talking about his relationship, me taking it all in pretending to be unaffected but really hurting inside. (mae, commit suicide now, why don't you?)

things at work is going well. i'm getting more familiarized with things we need to do. my colleagues seem nice especially my boss. he seems really concerned with his employees. and at least my work keeps my mind off my other problems. but at the end of the day, it haunts me. i can't get it out of mind...while on the bus going home, while watching TV, before i sleep. *sigh* how do i run away?



Tuesday, August 14, 2007

back to school?

aaaarrgh!! i haven't taken sooo much information in one sitting since my college days. it was my first day on the job and there was so much i need to learn. we're probably only at 5% of everything i need to learn on this new job. i'm not complaining. i believe that each day should be a learning experience for everyone.

anyway, i saw him online last night. and there i was again, like a little girl playing with opening and closing of the messenger window, thinking if i should send him a message or not. but i finally decided not to. he seemed busy, i didn't want to get in his way.

well, i still need to do some research for my job. but unlike in school, i'm getting paid to do the research. hehehe.




Monday, August 13, 2007

last day as a bum

i didn't think of updating today since i didn't really feel like writing. i just bummed around the house today and updated my facebook. went out to buy a card and some food.

then when i got back home, i talked to danah and found out that she and her boyfriend broke up. she told me she parteed again and that partee has always been her bestfriend. i dunno, i kinda felt jealous...i wanted to partee too. it wasn't as easy to get the stuff like in manila, didn't know any contacts here.

anyway, what really made me write is this quote i got from danah which i found to be sooo true. just wanted to share it:

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together."

i think most people, if not all, will be able to relate to this quote. it could be from a previous relationship or a present one. simply put, in relationships, we all have to make sacrifices.

tomorrow will be my first day of work. i don't know what to expect but i do know that i gotta shop for more work clothes.



Sunday, August 12, 2007

excitement or anxiety?

i had a hard time sleeping last night. i went to bed early since i want my body to get used to sleeping early. i went to bed at around 10:30, fell asleep for a little bit but then i woke up around 12 and wasn't able to sleep until 3. it's not the first time actually. it's been weeks that i've had this problem. though it doesn't happen every night, it happens for most nights. i dunno, i've got a lot in my mind lately...my problems, him, my new job.

i don't know if i'm feeling excited towards this new job. i'm scared that i won't be able to manage it. i'm scared of jobs that offer commission based on your sales, performance, etc. because it sort of becomes a competition among colleagues and i don't want a competition in the workplace. people tend to do some evil things to get on top. i'm scared to be like that or be a victim of that.

anyway, i listen to my ipod every night to try and get me to sleep. but it seems harder since almost every song on my playlist reminds me of him. unless of course i listen to the other playlists which are composed of old songs, hip-hop and r&b songs, partee songs, chillout songs and bossa nova. but why would i listen to those when i'm trying to get to sleep. i have old songs and bossa nova songs for my dad, never got to transferring it out.

it's been a lazy sunday. we didn't go to church because of the weather. and again, i have to assist my dad with their business so i had to sit in front of the computer. i helped my sister change her multiply page layout. then i thought of designing my own layout using photoshop cs2 but as always, didn't get to finish it. i also thought of learning CSS but it seems so complicated so didn't go through with it.

so, after my realization last night, i decided that i'm going to send him a card to let him know. why a card? well, i figured it can be an advanced happy birthday greeting and it's more personal that way. i can't tell him over the phone coz i wouldn't have the courage to. and not on chat coz he never seems to be paying attention to me on chat. the question is, when will i get enough courage to write him a card?



Saturday, August 11, 2007

a realization

i have just finished watching "the godfather 2" and "csi: miami". that's what we usually do on saturdays, be couch potatoes and do movie marathons. well, i've always been a couch potato, lol! we were too lazy to go out coz it's still raining. and yes, it's only now that i have watched "the godfather 2". and yesterday was my first time to watch the first godfather movie. my sister borrowed a complete dvd collection from her boyfriend. it's actually been with us for 2 weeks but i've only watched it yesterday.

anyway, while trying to sleep last night, i've been thinking about him again. and that's when i realized that maybe it's really time to let go. the other day when we were talking with our cams on, i was watching him while he was on the phone. he was smiling, he was happy. he didn't even have to tell me, i knew he was talking to his girlfriend. if this girl is making him happy then i don't want to ruin that. i don't want to give up but if he's happy now, i'll respect that. cliche but if he's happy, i'm happy for him. i hope the girl loves him as much as i do or even more than i do.

but i don't want to disappear all of a sudden. and i don't know how to tell him. everytime i try to talk to him seriously and tell him about my feelings, it seems as if he doesn't really listen. it seems as if he doesn't even care about what i tell him. this reminds me of the movie "being john malkovich". i wish i could just get into his head and find out what he's really thinking. but it's nowhere near possible doing that so it will all remain a mystery to me.



Friday, August 10, 2007

cold weather and i'm getting weak

it has been raining for three days now. the cold weather makes me want to stay in bed the whole day but i can't. i have to monitor my dad's business transactions, so off to the computer for me again. i got a call from rick, my new boss. he told me he'd email the contract to me on monday and i can start on tuesday. i forgot to ask him about the dress code, damn! i wanted to know so i can go shop for clothes over the weekend if needed.

i'm still so sleepy. stayed up late last night talking to him. although, we didn't really talk much. he just asked me if iphones were being sold here already. i had no idea but my sister just bought a new phone so i said i'd ask her. and that's what i did this morning. i asked my sister and a couple of friends to find out.

what surprised me was that when i asked my friend jason, after answering, he talked to me about other stuff. he wanted to partee and he was asking me if i knew where to buy or whom to buy from. abi asked me the same question last week. why are they all asking me??? i find it funny that they think i know a lot about this stuff. jason even wanted to partee here at my place knowing i'm alone during the day. lol!!

anyway, so when i found out the answer, i messaged him. apparently, he already knew coz he found out over the internet. i tried to start a friendly conversation, was gonna tell a joke but he ruined it. and then he made some annoying comments and was even happy that i was getting annoyed. i dunno, i feel like he's deliberately trying to push me away. it's really hard to get to him now. i don't even know how to start a conversation with him. everytime i open up the messenger window, i think twice before sending him a message. sometimes, i just end up closing it again because i don't know if he wants to talk to me. i dunno how much longer i can do this. i've never been the strong one, he was. and doing this alone, it's really sucking all my strength.



Thursday, August 09, 2007

dejavu

i got a job offer. :) and not only one but two!! both my interviews last tuesday and today went well. although i thought the CSR job was interesting since it was for cameras, equipment and accessories, when i think about it, i'll probably get bored with it in the long run. i know nothing in headhunting or recruitment but it's never a bad time to start learning. i have to choose the job where i know i will grow. i can't stay in customer service forever.

anyway, now that i think about it, it's kind of weird that i'm going through this situation again. i've been through this not only once or twice but three times!!! what am i talking about? everytime i go looking for a job, i get 2 offers which makes it difficult for me to decide which to accept.

first,in 2004, i just got here from manila and i went looking for a job. i went to a couple of interviews. one company was already giving me a job offer while the other (the one that i liked more) asked me to wait since they were moving offices.

second time was just last year. i resigned from my previous job and was looking for a new one when my dad's friend introduced someone to me. that someone was looking for some sort of personal assistant and i applied. problem came when lars talked to me and offered me a job in the philippines. it was hard to decide between the two.

now it's happening again. but this time, it's not so difficult to make a decision. i know what i want and that's what i'm going to pursue.

i have one concern though. since i'm going to be new on the job, i don't think i can take a leave off. so there goes the family vacation to the US...*sigh* and there goes my chance of seeing him again. :(




every little thing

i just got home from another interview. this time it's for a headhunting agency. my mom's colleague suggested that i apply with them and i did. i already talked to the general manager on the phone a couple of times but i was still nervous all throughout the interview. i hope it went well.

i was in a hurry to get home so i could still catch him online. and to my delight, he still was. i buzzed him but got no response. he's probably asleep already and just left his messenger on. and i was kinda hoping we'd see each other on cam again and he'll see me all made up.*sigh* i wanted to call him while i was on the bus but i didn't want to seem too aggressive.

anyway, on the bus on my way to my interview, i remembered this song. and as i tried to remember the lyrics there was this line that really got me. it was exactly what i want to say to him. i searched for the lyrics and as i listened to it, i realized it's exactly how i'm feeling right now. i feel like i'm losing him for every day that passes by. i promised myself i'd take it slow but the slower i'm taking it, the more that i lose him. i don't know what to do.

here's the song:

Every Little Thing by Dishwalla

let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
lee all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
and when you find out who you are, it's too late to change

I wish I could be

every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the ground
see all come
you say you're all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and when you find out who you are, too late to change

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
Oh, I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted, you wanted
all the time

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all, salvation
coz when you find out who you are, too late to change
too late to change

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
Oh, I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
every little thing you wanted
all the time
this time
every little thing you wanted
all the time, oh

but i get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away




"wish i could be every little thing you wanted...all the time."

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

happiness...

what's the reason for my happiness? we're talking again! and not just any talk, we're talking comfortably with each other. and i can see him on cam :) i'm ok with this. i hope it's like this all the time.

anyway, i've started two adobe projects again. i thought of editing one of ado's photos just for laughs but as always, i didn't get to finish it and get the effect i wanted. the other project is for bea. i saw her pics on friendster and i want to edit a photo for her. i will do it later. my eyes hurt now.




an ode...

why i love him...

he's not your typical tall, dark and handsome guy;
he's more like average, fair and cute.
he's not the brainy type who buries himself in books and knows about everything;
he's that smart fella who survives through problems thrown his way.
he doesn't give expensive jewelleries, chocolates or flowers;
he's the one who presents you with a cute, white teddy bear named Mr. Wachowski.
he's not that guy who takes you out to a fancy dinner to impress you;
he's the one who joins you and eats with you on the street when you're craving for 'isaw' and 'kwek-kwek'.
he's not the 'ideal man' your mom told you about when you were young.

he's the one who makes you smile in the simplest of ways.
he's the one who already knew how to be sweet at a very young age, with his efforts to write "i love you" and sign his name adrĭ¬~°.
he's the one you meet in a chatroom and talks to you on the phone until 6 in the morning.
he's the one who does crazy things like making the mall escalators stop.
he's the one who's too shy for a first kiss on the lips so he kisses your hand instead.
he's that accident prone guy who gets injured in a simple basketball game.
he's the one who says he'll help you clean the house but ends up ordering you around.
he's the one who doesn't pick fights but somehow, fights find him.
he's the one who goes all the way to your place at 3 in the morning so you can attend the "simbang gabi" together.
he's the one who gives you his Incubus concert ID and doesn't get mad when you lose it.
he's the only kuya ed--edsa there is.
he's the one who draws or tries to draw the face of Jesus on your cousin's notebook just to prove that he can draw.
he's the one who brings his x-box to your house so you can play together.
he's the nicest sakristan in singgalong church.
he's the one who, despite saying he doesn't dance, still dances with you in front of the mirror.
he's the one who comes over at 2 in the morning to be with you and celebrate new year with you.

he's not the perfect man all women talks about; he's the perfect man for me.



Tuesday, August 07, 2007

2007: From the beginning to present

Jan 2007


i had to monitor the night shift staff. i had a good relationship with them. it's such a good feeling knowing they respect you and look up to you. i got to hang out with a couple of guys after work playing dota hahaha! i never thought i'd be playing that game. i dunno, never liked strategy games. i can't say i'm a pro at it but i do know how, and i can beat others.


i was getting so lonely at home that i decided to buy a cat. i never thought of what breed to buy, i just checked how it looks like. i wanted a lazy cat so we can both stay at home and be lazy together heheh. but then i ended up buying a 1 month old siamese kitten. i found out from a friend that it's one of those hyperactive breeds of cats. she was so tiny that i got scared of taking care of her. she needed so much supervision that i asked my friend to take care of her first. but i never got to getting her back.

anyway, i still get to talk to him sometimes. he said he might be coming home in february and even joked about staying at my condo while he's here. i really miss him...


and then, we both lost contact of each other. it was end of january when i saw him update his friendster. he's with someone else...i was furious. i didn't know what to do. but i know what i didn't want to do, to talk to him. i was so mad and felt so cheated. but i knew i didn't have the right to get mad, i wasn't his girlfriend. but it wouldn't have hurt as much if he was just honest with me and told me himself. what hurt me the most was the way i found out about it.


Feb 2007


i was crushed. there were times when i was all alone in my condo crying all day. i thank God that rachelle was there for me to talk to. she's always been the one i run to when i have problems. she's my bestfriend, my roommate and my secret-keeper.

my sister came home for an operation. my parents followed a few days later for a vacation. tito sam and family took us to tagaytay to go to this ranch with a casino and racetrack (i forgot the name). i didn't know it was fun to watch horse racing live.



it was on this month too when i got curious about other things. i started hanging out with clarence and some other peeps from work, me and rachelle. we ended up parteeing with them. i enjoyed it. it gave me some sort of happiness, although it was only temporary. but then when the effect wears off, i go back to my old depressed self. there was even a time when the people parteeing with me had to listen to me blabbing about my problem and crying. i craved for more for the weeks that followed, which i got, thanks to clarence, danah and others. i met more new people through parteeing like louie, kate, jason and punch.


March 2007


the parteeing continued. it happened almost every weekend. it was happening so often that i was already carrying gum and a vicks inhaler in my bag all the time. LOL! have to be prepared! coz there was one time that we dropped while on the NLEX and we had to settle for some vicks vapor rub, that was weird. and i know it's not something to be proud of but i sort of influenced other guys at work to do it too. guys, whom i didn't know, liked me.


this month were not only of partees but also of drinking. we were parteeing on the weekends and drinking during weekdays after work. clarence had a 3-day birthday celebration. we can often be found at meatshop, a place in xavierville, with overflowing booze and baked oysters and barbecue.


danah and our other officemate cha were looking for a place to stay. and i didn't want to be alone as it makes me even more depressed. so we decided to share the condo unit i was renting. i take care of the rent, they handle the bills. and we now have a baby in the house!! kendra, cha's cute little daughter.


it was in the morning of march 16 when i got a phone call. i recognized the number and when i answered it, i knew it was him. he told me he's in manila and i answered him coldly. i was still mad at him for what he did. what did he expect? that i would sound excited? the call was during an after-partee time, i haven't even got enough sleep and i have to go to work that afternoon.


anyway, i needed to go back to hong kong for a few days to extend my visa. but before i left, i hosted a partee at my place heheh. it was then that i found out that this guy at work, whom i found cute, liked me. his name was kristian. that's how our relationship started. he said he already liked me the first time he saw me but was intimidated by me. maybe not intimidated, but like most people, he found me snobbish at first. i found him sweet especially because he was there comforting me at times when i was crying.



he had a girlfriend but the more that he hung out with me, the more he fell for me. and i realized i liked him too. we hung out with each other more and enjoyed each other's company. he broke up with his girlfriend because his feelings for me were far more stronger. i felt flattered with the attention i was getting. i found myself smiling again.


April 2007


i'm not sure when exactly but it was this month when we formally became a couple. no one knew of course but our close friends kinda got the hint. the parteeing became less and less because the others were having some issues with each other so the group fell apart.


i was promoted to virtual accounts manager this month. i got to interview people both internally and externally to look for staff for my department. i administered some tests as well. my friend mon got in and i really think he had team leader potential but according to chris, (the a**shole american guy) we need to observe his performance first.


my friends and i were usually hanging out at my place watching DVDs. we also took turns taking care of kendra until we found a yaya.


everything between me and kristian were ok. but i never told anyone that i'm still missing him despite of what he did. my anger had subsided. he tried to talk to me a couple of times but i ignored him or pushed him away because of my pride. i wanted no connection to him, deleted him from my friendster, my phone, my yahoo contacts.


there were times when kristian sang incubus songs to me and i got mad at him coz i thought he was teasing me (everytime and i mean EVERYTIME i hear any song by incubus, it reminds me of him). turns out that kristian was trying to make me forget about him but i don't think it worked.



May 2007

our company finally closed down (i don't want to get into details, i'd only end up cussing endlessly at the people involved). now i really have a lot of problems. i have a contract for the condo until october and i didn't want to lose the 2 month security deposit. i've decided to try and look for a job in the Philippines.

my family supported my decision, although they would be happier if i went back to hong kong. my sister got promoted which left her previous position open so i was asked to apply. i came back to hong kong for the sole reason of attending an interview. unfortunately, even after all that, they wanted someone who spoke mandarin. my trip wasn't really unproductive. i went to disneyland with my sister, courtesy of kuya rye. we had fun taking a lot of pictures heheh.

so i went back to manila to try my luck. but i wasn't able to find any other job that has at least the same salary i used to earn to be able to pay the rent and provide for myself. the chances of me staying in manila was getting really slim.

there were times when i felt lonely but instead of thinking about my boyfriend, i thought about him. i sent him a message confessing how i felt for him, he just got mad at me for not telling him earlier. i told him i already have a boyfriend and i know he was already with someone else. i thought we should move on.


June 2007

my friends and i started the month with a celebration. i'm not sure what we're celebrating though lol! kate was the one who thought about it. so we went to tagaytay and rented a place there where we drank A LOT. i enjoyed the night and was especially happy because kristian was there with me.

i finally decided to move back to hong kong. although it was really sweet of my housemates to offer equal share of the expenses we have, i still wouldn't be able to save money for myself. i knew it would be better for me to go back to hong kong. and so i did in the middle of the month.

it was hard leaving a lot of things behind and i will miss a lot of people especially kristian who was there for me during the not-so-happy times.

and so the search for a job in hong kong starts...


July 2007

it was finally time to face the reality. the loneliness is getting to me. i got to run away from it before through going out with friends and spending time playing with kendra. but now, i can't hide from it anymore.

we moved to a new flat in a building just a couple of blocks away from the old one. searching for a job has been really hard. i've met up with a couple of guys i used to work with, some of them were looking for a job too. we went out to dinner and for a couple of drinks. it felt good to get out of the house and do something else for a change. also, the seventh harry potter book was released so i had a 2-day marathon reading it. it's finally the end, i'm going to miss harry potter.

the house we moved to had a piano so to pass the time, i started trying to learn how to play. started with guessing a few songs. what i really wanted to learn was Canon in D because i thought it was sweet (i saw in the movie "my sassy girl") but i had a hard time looking for the piano sheet so i ended up with only hope. in just two days, i learned the right hand for this song but can't seem to coordinate the left hand :(...then i started looking for other piano sheets until i found a guy on youtube who had video tutorials and that's when i learned how to play unfaithful. it's the only song i can play with both hands and still, it's not so perfect but it sounds like the song. i learned more songs, only with the right hand, like i believe, a little bit of canon and intros to some songs.


and then, i found myself thinking about him more and more instead of thinking about my boyfriend. i wanted to talk to him but my pride took over me. i thought he's happy and i should just be happy too. until he sent me a message one day. he told me he can't forget about me and he still loves me. i thought we were in the same place so i confessed how i felt for him...i confessed everything. well, he wasn't happy about it and called me a cheat. i felt like i've made a fool of myself and that he didn't really care about how i feel.

this is when i got more confused...about what i want, about what i have to do, about my feelings. there's nowhere to hide, no parteeing to run to, not even anyone that i can talk to. i wanted to disappear and just reappear when it's all over. but i can't...all i was able to do was cry myself to sleep for so many nights.


Aug 2007

what a way to start august...i decided to break up with kristian. it's been weeks that i've been confused about my feelings. i can't even get myself to lie to him and tell him that i love him so he would be happy.

well, it wasn't my decision alone. kristian understood what i was going through and he also thought i have to think about what i really want. and what i really want right now is to be alone. i don't know for how long or if it's forever...


i tried learning more songs on the piano just to get my mind off things. but again, i was having trouble playing both hands. i learned the songs clocks, brick, diary and kissing you. not the full songs though, just some part of it. i guess i'm not really a musician, grrrr!!!





2006 chronicles of my life

Jan-Feb 2006


i don't think i did anything special during this 2 months. lived my life as usual, going to work and straight home after. i started playing WoW again on February to play with the people i met in MU. We created characters on Dragonblight Alliance, mine was a night elf priest named Alexxandria. We met new people in a guild called 'Angkan Hagibis', mostly filipino peeps.


Mar-Apr 2006


if i remember it right, it was around end of march when we went to boracay, me, my sister, aira, tinay and ivy (tinay's new friend from miriam). we stayed longer this time and had a lot of fun. we met aira's ateneo friends, the pasas and the chorizos. pics can be found on my multiply account (if you know it, good for you. if not, sorry). this was the time when the "SG" was founded. (SG stands for a lot of things, i will not enumerate it, assume whatever you want). it's basically the term for us 5 girls: aira, me, ivy, l.a. and tinay.


anyway, it was also around this time when i had my realization. my bf then was ian, but i was still in love with someone else. i was in boracay to have fun but was still calling him and missing him.


i tried breaking off with ian but after talking to him and my friend marie (who happens to know ian from before), i decided to give the relationship a chance.


May-Jun 2006


the tension at work finally lead me to resign on May. that month also marked my 2nd year in the company.



during this time, i'm still very much addicted to playing WoW. but then there had been some conflicts within some people in the guild that caused a break up. i ended up moving from guild to guild until june when i finally joined Merveilles, composed mostly of Singaporeans.

it was also in june when our titos and titas (sam, freddie, rita, rose) came to visit for a mini-reunion here in hong kong. it was fun. it brings so much happiness to my parents when friends and relatives come to visit. it was also on this month when i got a dreadful haircut. i saw a short hairstyle in a magazine and really liked it. unfortunately, the hairstylist doesn't speak english so he didn't understand what i wanted. even so, the magazine was there for him to see but he still didn't get the style i wanted. so i got a short haircut which got no style at all.

(pictures can be found on my multiply again)


July-Aug 2006


i don't remember much of july, except that we watched BEP in concert (hell yeah!!!), but i remember august. it was during this time when my feelings for him felt stronger. i broke up with ian finally. i didn't want to hurt him but i'd be hurting him more if we continued the relationship with me loving someone else.


i haven't found a new job yet which gave me more time to talk to him. talk about the past and what's going on in our present lives. although he still had feelings for me, he wasn't ready to be with me again. i can't blame him, i broke up with him twice. i'd be scared too if i were in his shoes. but even though, we're just friends talking to each other for hours on the phone, it made me happy...to hear his voice, to hear him sing, to hear him laugh.


Sept-Oct 2006


i still didn't have a job. we were talking almost all the time even when he's at work. i think the only time we didn't talk or call each other was when it was time to sleep.

i created video of a collection of our pictures with the background song "smile at me" by rocksteddy. after showing it to him, he said it's another one of my "kalokohans". okaayy....i also asked my sister to come with me and look for a birthday gift for him. i got him a shirt. i dunno if he'll ever wear it though coz it's light blue. and it seems all he wears now is black.


i dunno but somehow, my parents noticed what's going on with me. my mom goes on a trip to the US every year for business. knowing she will be going there on october, my dad offered to treat me for the plane ticket just so i could go there and see him again. unfortunately, my visa application was denied. it hurt me....so much. he gave me some sort of ultimatum. that i should go there to prove my love to him.


it was also around this time when lars talked to me and offered me to work in the philippines with him and clarence. the salary is not so great compared to the salary i can get here in hong kong, but the position offered is good. after much consideration and discussion with my family, i decided to go for it. and he wasn't happy about it. he wanted me to stay here in hong kong.


october was when i finally went back to my home country to try a life of living by myself and providing for myself. i found myself a condo unit in eastwood. it's a studio type unit but it's the best and biggest one i've seen compared to the others i've checked. it's not too far from work either, takes about 15-20 minutes cab ride. what i really liked about it was it's accesibility to everything. you won't need a car. there's a grocery, a mall and so many restaurants just walking distance from your place. and there was a swimming pool and a gym.

i also got together with my college friends whom i missed sooo much. and what a great coincidence, phyl also came back to celebrate her birthday in the manila. we slept over at their new house in alabang. there were lots of food, swimming, dancing, singing and of course, endless stories of what we've been up to.


Nov-Dec 2006

my birthday month!! i spent my birthday at il ponticello bar in makati. only invited my close friends. although it didn't really go the way i expected like people moving around, dancing, mingling with others. we still had a blast. i enjoyed the night but was sad coz he didn't even greet me.

we started to drift apart for some reason. i dunno if it's because he got busy or maybe he still can't accept that i moved back to manila even though he didn't want me to. i still tried to talk to him, calling him, sending him IMs but for most times, we just ended up arguing. i even ended up crying in the office once, and he got mad at me. i felt so crappy by the way he was treating me, but i still wanted to hang on.

work was fine. there's a lot of things that needed to be changed. my cousin, rachelle, got in and started as a csr. she stays with me sometimes in my condo.

december...i spent christmas here in hong kong but can't be away from work for a long time so my sister and i decided to spend the new year in the philippines with tito sam and family. btw, i called to greet him both times but he didn't even sounded happy.


next memory challenge: 2007




my 2nd interview

so i just got home from my 2nd interview, first one was yesterday. it's for a customer service post for an ecommerce company. i know i've told myself i would avoid taking customer service jobs as much as i can but this country doesn't leave me much of a choice.

so the interview... i got there early but another applicant came before me so they interviewed him first. and that other applicant was an old colleague. i forgot his name though, i'm not really good with names and we weren't exactly close. the interviewer was nice, and i forgot his name too *sigh*...anyway, i wish i get this job coz i'm getting really bored at home.

i'm so sleepy now, stayed up late last night hoping to talk to him but too scared to initiate the chat. was also waiting for him today to send me a message, but not even a 'hi' or a 'how are you' which made me feel hopeless again. but no, i'm not giving up. not this time.

anyway, i think i'll continue with my backtracking tonight.





Monday, August 06, 2007

a quest

i have decided. i am going to win him back.

thanks to don that i have come to this realization. i've already given up on him before, i'm not going to do it again. if and when i win him back, i'm never letting him go. what have i got to lose anyway, right? that i would get hurt if i lose? i'd get hurt more if i don't even try.

wish me luck.



Sunday, August 05, 2007

an intermission

i know i said i'd be backtracking but i can't think straight. i can be melodramatic sometimes and this is one of those times. i may have forgotten how to be mad and how to hate.

in this day and age, are there still martyrs? aren't they being condemned? even by the people close to them? when is it time to give up? how do you know if something is worth fighting for?

those are only a few of the questions on my mind right now. and yes, i'm referring to matters of the heart. i have never been so confused in my entire life. i thought all decisions could be thought about and done overnight. my problem has been bothering me for almost two weeks now and i'm not close to finding the solution.

is it really worth fighting for? I guess only God knows the answer...