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Dance like no one is watching... like you'll never be hurt...

       ...sing like no one is listening...
 like it's heaven on earth.

Life is beautiful!

.: wishlist :.
tix to Alicia Keys concert
new digital camera
new phone (pda)
more office clothes
new bikini :)
more shoes
plane ticket to manila
carebear stuffed toy
big black bag

.: previous posts :.

.: archives :.
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
March 2005
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
May 2008
June 2008

.: friends :.
piggy wing
pretty zara
mai crabbedstar
the goddess
astron's notebook
empress maruja
fei flora

.: thanks :.

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Sunday, June 15, 2008

my boyfriend is a complete stranger.

have you ever had a relationship with someone for a long time but then you realize that you don't really know that person? i have now. i don't know my boyfriend. we've been together for almost 7 months but it feels like he's a complete stranger to me.

let me just recap the past week that's been:

8 days after he left for "China" (it's in quotation marks because i'm not even sure if that's really where he went), i finally received an email from him. a very angry and defensive email. i understand why...because the first two emails i've sent him were very accusatory. but that's because he left and we weren't exactly in good terms. another angry email followed after that. it's only after a few emails from me that he's calmed down with his responses.

he came back last friday but i wasn't too excited to see him. because his last email made me feel unimportant. it made me feel like he only emails me when he feels like it. and i don't want to be that person.

he's finally back and we're together again. he told me stories about his trip...stories that i'm not sure i believe. he even told me that story about his facebook account being hacked into which i also don't believe. my messages on his phone has been deleted except the ones he received since he returned.

all these things make me feel like he's hiding something. it makes me feel like i don't know him at all. and now i'm not even sure if i still want to be with him.

who wants to be with a complete stranger?...not me.

Monday, June 02, 2008


4 days and counting...still no form of any communication from him. how can he leave me hanging like this? doesn't he even care at all?

i just realized this afternoon, i'm back in the same fucking situation i was in almost a year ago...feeling confused and alone. the only difference is i have a job now that would help me "distract" myself from thinking of my problems with him. but another problem is...i can't even fucking focus at work. i can honestly say that there's not one minute that passes by that i don't think about him.

what am i thinking about?

is he really helping his friend in china? fuck, i miss him! does that text from his ex-girlfriend really don't mean anything? i would give anything just to be able to talk to him. did he lie to me? i wish he'd come back soon and i'll be the first person he looks for. is this his way of telling me that it's over? then there will only be one word to describe him: ASSHOLE!

i want to cry. but there aren't any tears coming out. i'm mad. i want to scream. but i am not at the right time and place to do that.

i'm mad. i'm sad. i'm disappointed. i'm furious. i'm restless. i'm depressed. i'm inconsolable. i'm annoyed. i'm alone and imploding bit by bit with everyday that passes by that i haven't heard a word from him.

i fucking hate this feeling. i wish i could just sleep and wake up to a bright and sunny day with all these buried in the past. then i would be happy and contented. i'd give anything for that.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

am i being overly paranoid?

i think my boyfriend's cheating on me. let me lay down the reasons why:

first, i saw a text message from his ex sent on the 27th of May with this message: "Hi! Good morning baby...I miss you! =)". and this is not the first time. i think it was a month and a half ago was when he received a message almost exactly like this one and i let it slide. his ex is in the US and still, she manages to text him something like that? he must have been really special to her. sure, maybe it's a mis-text. but isn't it such a coincidence that there is a second text message?

also, just recently when i looked at his phone, i saw that all the sent messages were deleted. he didn't used to delete his sent messages. i mean, for someone to do that, that someone has something to hide, right?

also recently, he's been sleeping late, like around 2 or 3 am for the reason that he's talking to his mom who is also in the US. i would understand if it's a couple of days a week. but to talk for 2-3 hours every night?? what could they possibly be talking about? and as if that wasn't enough, they still talk in the afternoon sometimes. he misses his mom? ok. but just a few months ago, he doesn't even answer his mom's call sometimes especially when he's with me. but now, it seems like he's cutting our time short just to talk to his "mom".

am i assuming too much? am i being too paranoid? is there really a reason for me to doubt him? should i open my eyes to the reality that is already slapping me in the face?

those questions have not left my mind since that night i saw the text message.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

back to blogging?

it's been 5 months since my last post and why am i posting again? because i want to get some things out of my chest. i think my friends are tired of listening to me already. so here i am, blogging again. i know the blogging world will welcome me back with open arms.

in my last post, i was so in love. but now, i'm slowly falling out of love...i think. the time has come when the sweetness has gone sour and the romance has left. it is when i've given up the fight.

some people would think of this as petty but not to me. when something's important to you, you would expect your partner to give even a bit of importance to that too. and when he doesn't, you open up to him and talk to him about it. but even after that, there's still no change, it's like you've lost all the hope in the world.

i'm tired of being taken for granted; of being a second choice; of not being appreciated; of not being loved enough and cared enough for. but when will be the time to let go?