the diary of the secret girl

my boyfriend is a complete stranger.

2008-06-15T00:09:00.003+08:00

have you ever had a relationship with someone for a long time but then you realize that you don't really know that person? i have now. i don't know my boyfriend. we've been together for almost 7 months but it feels like he's a complete stranger to me.

let me just recap the past week that's been:

8 days after he left for "China" (it's in quotation marks because i'm not even sure if that's really where he went), i finally received an email from him. a very angry and defensive email. i understand why...because the first two emails i've sent him were very accusatory. but that's because he left and we weren't exactly in good terms. another angry email followed after that. it's only after a few emails from me that he's calmed down with his responses.

he came back last friday but i wasn't too excited to see him. because his last email made me feel unimportant. it made me feel like he only emails me when he feels like it. and i don't want to be that person.

he's finally back and we're together again. he told me stories about his trip...stories that i'm not sure i believe. he even told me that story about his facebook account being hacked into which i also don't believe. my messages on his phone has been deleted except the ones he received since he returned.

all these things make me feel like he's hiding something. it makes me feel like i don't know him at all. and now i'm not even sure if i still want to be with him.

who wants to be with a complete stranger?...not me.

alone.

2008-06-02T23:11:00.003+08:00

4 days and counting...still no form of any communication from him. how can he leave me hanging like this? doesn't he even care at all?

i just realized this afternoon, i'm back in the same fucking situation i was in almost a year ago...feeling confused and alone. the only difference is i have a job now that would help me "distract" myself from thinking of my problems with him. but another problem is...i can't even fucking focus at work. i can honestly say that there's not one minute that passes by that i don't think about him.

what am i thinking about?

is he really helping his friend in china? fuck, i miss him! does that text from his ex-girlfriend really don't mean anything? i would give anything just to be able to talk to him. did he lie to me? i wish he'd come back soon and i'll be the first person he looks for. is this his way of telling me that it's over? then there will only be one word to describe him: ASSHOLE!

i want to cry. but there aren't any tears coming out. i'm mad. i want to scream. but i am not at the right time and place to do that.

i'm mad. i'm sad. i'm disappointed. i'm furious. i'm restless. i'm depressed. i'm inconsolable. i'm annoyed. i'm alone and imploding bit by bit with everyday that passes by that i haven't heard a word from him.

i fucking hate this feeling. i wish i could just sleep and wake up to a bright and sunny day with all these buried in the past. then i would be happy and contented. i'd give anything for that.

am i being overly paranoid?

2008-05-31T03:03:00.004+08:00

i think my boyfriend's cheating on me. let me lay down the reasons why:

first, i saw a text message from his ex sent on the 27th of May with this message: "Hi! Good morning baby...I miss you! =)". and this is not the first time. i think it was a month and a half ago was when he received a message almost exactly like this one and i let it slide. his ex is in the US and still, she manages to text him something like that? he must have been really special to her. sure, maybe it's a mis-text. but isn't it such a coincidence that there is a second text message?

also, just recently when i looked at his phone, i saw that all the sent messages were deleted. he didn't used to delete his sent messages. i mean, for someone to do that, that someone has something to hide, right?

also recently, he's been sleeping late, like around 2 or 3 am for the reason that he's talking to his mom who is also in the US. i would understand if it's a couple of days a week. but to talk for 2-3 hours every night?? what could they possibly be talking about? and as if that wasn't enough, they still talk in the afternoon sometimes. he misses his mom? ok. but just a few months ago, he doesn't even answer his mom's call sometimes especially when he's with me. but now, it seems like he's cutting our time short just to talk to his "mom".

am i assuming too much? am i being too paranoid? is there really a reason for me to doubt him? should i open my eyes to the reality that is already slapping me in the face?

those questions have not left my mind since that night i saw the text message.

back to blogging?

2008-05-20T20:33:00.004+08:00

it's been 5 months since my last post and why am i posting again? because i want to get some things out of my chest. i think my friends are tired of listening to me already. so here i am, blogging again. i know the blogging world will welcome me back with open arms.

in my last post, i was so in love. but now, i'm slowly falling out of love...i think. the time has come when the sweetness has gone sour and the romance has left. it is when i've given up the fight.

some people would think of this as petty but not to me. when something's important to you, you would expect your partner to give even a bit of importance to that too. and when he doesn't, you open up to him and talk to him about it. but even after that, there's still no change, it's like you've lost all the hope in the world.

i'm tired of being taken for granted; of being a second choice; of not being appreciated; of not being loved enough and cared enough for. but when will be the time to let go?

if i'm dreaming, don't wake me up.

2007-12-09T21:54:00.000+08:00

lying on his bed after a night out bar-hopping and drinking, her back against his chest, his arms wrapped around her with his left hand fingers intertwined against hers; their eyes closed, both of them tired and about to fall asleep, he whispers in her ear:

he says..."baby?"
she says..."yeah?"
he says..."i just want to let you know..."(silence)
she says..."yeah?"
he says..."i just want to let you know that i love you."
she suddenly feels a smile cross her face.
he says..."i know i shouldn't be the vulnerable one but i just want to tell you this...
...i love you. don't leave me, ok?"
she tightens her grip on his hand.
he says..."i know your past boyfriends might have told you this before but...
...i've never felt this way about anyone before. it feels so different."
she asks..."different, bad or good?"
he answers..."it's good."
he asks..."babe, why are you holding my hand so tight?"
she says..."huh?"
he asks again..."why are you holding my hand so tight?"
she answers..."coz i don't ever wanna let you go."
he hugs her tightly.
he whispers in her ear..."i'll always be here."
(silence)
he says..."baby, i know it's too soon to say this...but if i could spend the rest of my life with you, i'd do it."
she says..."you're just saying that now."
he says..."no, i mean it."
she says..."are you still gonna say the same thing if i ask you that after 6 months? 1 year? 2 years?..."
he says..."you can ask me every 6 months and i'd still have the same answer...as long as you don't change...you'd still care for me the same way."
(silence)
she turns her head to face him and looks into his eyes.
she says..."i love you babe."
he says..."i love you too."

surreal, isn't it? please don't wake me up from this dream.

25 years of crazyness

2007-11-17T10:26:00.000+08:00

so i turned 25 today but not too happy about it. i guess when you get past 20, you start dreading your birthday. every year, you feel so much older everytime your birthday comes.

anyway, i do have more reasons to be happy than to be sad. primarily because i was with my closest and bestest friends when the clock stroke 12. if only for me, that's the way i want to celebrate my birthday, just with close friends. i didn't need to have a grand celebration, that's just too stressful. although, i'm still having a small get together later here at home.

and also today, i got the sign that i've been waiting for. he didn't even remember. he didn't even greet me. although it doesn't matter much anymore that he didn't remember, i'm thankful for this sign. when chi reminded me about it, i felt disappointed. i remained quiet for a few minutes and not because i'm sad but because i was thinking about my next step. that was the signal for me that it's really time to give it up and move on.

anyway, i'm thankful for those who remembered my birthday. i, for one, am not good with remembering dates and i can't promise to greet each and everyone of my friends on their birthdays. so i'm really touched by the people who remembered mine:

1) Chi, Abi, Noah, Niño
2) Carie
3) Vinze
4) Mom and Dad
5) Deb
6) Tabah
7) Tito Sam, Tataritz
8) Kuya Rye
9) Dianne, Mike, Jhen, Kate
10) Tita Luz
11) Marco

i'm gonna have to continue this later coz right now i have to get some rest and prepare for later. and there are a lot more things i need to write about....when i find the time to do it. heheh.

Paradiso @ Shek-O

2007-10-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

October 12 -- i received a phone call from abi after work, telling me to meet her and that we're going to shek-o where chi and deb are waiting for us. and since it's a friday night, i went without hesitation. it's located way east of hong kong island, opposite side from where i live.

we took the mtr to shau kei wan where we had to wait for a mini bus that would take us to shek-o beach. 30 minutes later, still no bus came so we decided to take a cab. even though we told the driver to take us to shek-o, he kept asking us where. and since i saw the name "big wave beach" at the terminal, i told the driver to take us there, thinking it's one and the same with shek-o beach. another 30 minutes in the cab and we finally got to big wave beach only to find out it's not where we should be. so now we're lost and hungry. since the cab already left, we had to wait for bus no. 9 and fortunately, we didn't have to wait long.

we're finally at shek-o beach. we met up with chi and deb, bought some dinner and brought it back to jasmine's place. at this point i was confused at what our business there was. i thought chi and deb went swimming and we were there to join them. but it turned out that we were there to visit jasmine at her new place (provided by her company) and also for the opening of the bar where she works:

CLUB PARADISO -- it's located at the beachside of shek-o beach. a big wooden door will welcome you to a bar with a "summer night" vibe. the floor, which used to be tiles, were covered up with sand. all over the place were shell curtains and seats made from bamboo and rattan wood. the dim lighting mostly came from candles. and since it's the opening, the staff welcomes you with complimentary glasses of sangria followed by slices of pizza.

as you go deeper into the place, by the bar, they have a projector set up that illuminates ocean waves onto the ceiling giving a more aquatic atmosphere. and the bar itself is made of aquarium so you'll see fishes underneath the bar top as you get your drinks. they serve the drinks on plastic glasses and for a good reason -- if real glasses break, the pieces would be hard to find on the sand. as for the music, they played songs like sublime's "santeria" and bob marley's "no woman, no cry", you get the idea. later into the night, they change it into upbeat sounds, something more danceable.

for a beach bitch like me, the place was great and it sorta reminded me of boracay. if it wasn't so far from where i live, i would go there every weekend.

out of control.

2007-10-11T20:53:00.000+08:00

it's been more than a week since i last posted. i've been busy going out lately. i wouldn't even be home tonight if i had some cash to spare. but i have to save some money because i'm going home for a couple of days this month.

so, why am i always out? it's not because i despise staying at home. and it's not because i'm using it as an excuse to hide from my problem (i've been over that weeks ago). honestly, i don't really know the answer.

i know i can always refuse invitations from my friends especially during weekdays when i have to wake up early and go to work the next day. but i simply give in to their invitation. i know i can always go home early and sober but instead, i choose to stay out late drinking. i can always go home and sleep on my own bed but instead, i choose to sleep on the sofa at someone else's place.

this is me being free.

freedom -- something most young people yearn for. something most people think is the answer to their problems. something i once thought would make me happy.

now, i'm free to do whatever i want. no one even questions my actions. there's no one who tells me to go home early. no one even looks for me when i'm gone. there's no one who checks if i got home safely. there's no one who cares.

now i realize that i don't want to be free anymore. and now i realize that it's not so bad to have a boyfriend, a friend or even a family member to have the power to control you.

i wanna dance again.

2007-10-03T00:06:00.000+08:00

i was bored at work again so i was browsing websites when i remembered about the uaap games. a bit later, i decided to check up on the cheerdancing competition, so i went to youtube to check the performance of this year's winning school, UP. and then i watched UST, my alma mater. watching these performances gave me goosebumps and sent shivers down my spine. that's when i realized how much i missed dancing.

i started dancing when i was 6. my parents enrolled me and my sister for ballet lessons. i can still remember my dad taking us to our ballet classes after school. it only lasted for less than a year though, because our teacher was migrating to the US. our parents didn't enroll us to any other ballet school since they wanted us to focus on our studies. during my elementary and high school years, the only dancing i did was for the annual field demonstrations where we performed more of tribal dances. it wasn't until i got into college that i really put some time and effort into dancing and performing.

during my college days, i joined various organizations that were inclined to the performing arts. i'm not much into acting, i think i've only acted in 2 or 3 plays. but i loved dancing on the stage, in front of an audience. i even joined our college cheerdancing team. and now i'm missing it all. i miss putting on make-ups and costumes for performances. i miss the daily rehearsals even though it caused so much pain in my thighs and legs (it was only for a few days anyway, i become numb after doing all the stretching). i miss learning new steps and routines for different songs. i even miss wearing my jazz pants, i can't remember the last time i wore them.

there are a lot of things i miss about performing but i don't think there will be a time for me to do it all again. i'm no longer as flexible as i was before (i can't even do splits anymore). and i know i wasn't a very good dancer before but i can learn pretty quick. and i would have been a better dancer now if only i pursued it.

i was bored and couldn't think of anything to post about

2007-10-02T02:43:00.001+08:00

You Communicate Like a Woman

You empathize, talk things out, and express your emotions freely.
You're a good listener, and you're non-judgmental with your advice.
Communication is how you connect with people.
You're always up for a long talk, no matter how difficult the subject matter is.

Do You Communicate Like a Man or a Woman?

a sharing.

2007-09-29T17:02:00.000+08:00

last tuesday, my sister and i went to volume for kuya rye's birthday celebration. we were there very early and the place was still empty, so we decided to take a walk and stumbled upon a small japanese restaurant. and since we haven't had our dinner yet and i was craving for sushi, we went inside to eat.

even after we were full, we stayed there for a while to kill time. and as i was reading some magazines, i came across this simple poem that i found very meaningful so i want to share it:

The Paradox of Our Age

We have bigger houses but smaller families;

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense;

more knowledge but less judgment;

more experts, but more problems;

more medicines but less healthiness.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back,

but have trouble in crossing the street to meet our new neighbour.

We built more computers to hold more copies than ever,

But have less real communication;

We have become long on quantity,

but short on quality.

These are times of fast foods but slow digestion;

Tall mean but short characters;

Steep profits but shallow relationships.

It’s a time when there is much in the window

But nothing in the room.

-His holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama

nothing could be more true than this.

craziness attack!!!

2007-09-27T23:20:00.000+08:00

when my mind goes all crazy, i think about doing things that are really out of my league. now, i have decided to get a tattoo. i don't want anything big and noticeable. i want a pentacle because it symbolizes the four elements with the spirit as the fifth point and also because i just loooooove stars. heheh. and i want it on my wrist.

so, out of boredom in the office, i drew it on my skin to see what it would look like. and here it is:

should i get one or not? if i do, i think my family would disown me. i will officially become the black sheep. heheh!

also, i met a new friend last saturday. here's how she looks like:

isn't her face familiar? i know it's kinda blurry but this is where she originated from:

ok, that's all for now. i still hafta finish editing a pic for abi.

the storm is gone, the sky is blue. everything is clear.

2007-09-26T21:05:00.000+08:00

lately, i have been trying to be a person that i'm not, trying to get the attention of a certain someone. until i realized...it's not really what i want. and that certain someone was the one who made me realize it with what seemed to be our last conversation:

[09:23] mr. wachowski: Buzz!!
[09:23] mr. wachowski: hey
[09:23] fashionista: what's up?
[09:23] Meebo Message: mr. wachowski appears offline. Your message may not be received.
[09:23] mr. wachowski: wala naman
[09:23] mr. wachowski: kakauwe ko lang
[09:23] mr. wachowski: ikaw?
[09:23] mr. wachowski: san kaw?
[09:24] fashionista: opis
[09:32] mr. wachowski: ahhh
[09:32] mr. wachowski: o kmsta naman work dyan?
[09:35] fashionista: ayoko na, naghahanap ako ng iba
[09:36] mr. wachowski: bakit?
[09:36] mr. wachowski: ngek
[09:36] fashionista: it's not for me heheh
[09:41] mr. wachowski: Buzz!!
[09:42] mr. wachowski: naks
[09:42] mr. wachowski: ayan nanaman ung mga banat mo eh
[09:42] mr. wachowski: lahat nlng,, not for me...
[09:42] mr. wachowski: haaaaay
[09:43] fashionista: huh?
[09:43] fashionista: alam mo ba anong ginagawa ko ngayon?
[09:44] mr. wachowski: ano?
[09:44] fashionista: hayyy, dami dami sinasabi di naman pala alam ano work ko. tsk!
[09:54] mr. wachowski: ano??
[09:56] fashionista: researcher
[09:56] fashionista: in an executive search firm
[09:57] mr. wachowski: ohhh
[09:57] mr. wachowski: e ayaw mo na dyan?
[09:57] fashionista: ayoko
[09:58] fashionista: i hate headhunting

i was trying to sound as casual as i can since i wasn't in the mood to talk to him at that time . but his words really irritated me and so it came to this:

[09:58] mr. wachowski: ohhh
[09:58] mr. wachowski: e anong gusto mo?
[09:58] Meebo Message: mr. wachowski is online
[09:58] mr. wachowski: lakas lakas mo mag clubbing den mawawalan ka ng work?
[09:59] fashionista: sinabi ko bang aalis na ko? naghahanap nga ng iba e.
[09:59] fashionista: at ano namang pakelam mo?
[10:03] mr. wachowski: bahala ka
[10:04] fashionista: yup! thanks!
[10:05] mr. wachowski: e hndi ka naman makikinig eh
[10:05] mr. wachowski: palage mo nlng gusto mo nasusunod
[10:06] fashionista: at sino naman dapat kong pakinggan?
[10:07] fashionista: ikaw?
[10:07] fashionista: LOL!
[10:08] mr. wachowski: ok.. salamat din ah
[10:08] fashionista: anytime.
[10:09] mr. wachowski: bakit ba ang laki ng galit mo aprin saakin?
[10:09] fashionista: hindi ba baliktad? ikaw ang galit sa akin.
[10:10] mr. wachowski: siraulo ka na ba?
[10:11] fashionista: alamo mo, sawang-sawa na ko! ganito na lng ba tayo lagi?
[10:13] fashionista: paikot-ikot lang e
[10:16] mr. wachowski: ikaw eh
[10:21] fashionista: huh? don't turn this around. ikaw tong mainit ang dugo sa akin for some reason.
[10:24] mr. wachowski: ako?
[10:24] mr. wachowski: hndi ba ikaw?
[10:24] mr. wachowski: e ano ung msg mo saakin sa friendster?
[10:26] fashionista: o e ano ba intindi mo dun?
[10:26] mr. wachowski: paulit ulit nlng
[10:27] fashionista: ok para hindi na paulit ulit at nakakapagod
[10:27] fashionista: can we please end this now?
[10:28] mr. wachowski: what du u mean?
[10:31] fashionista: tell me what you want from me
[10:31] fashionista: my friendship?
[10:31] mr. wachowski: see?
[10:32] mr. wachowski: sino ung may problema?
[10:32] mr. wachowski: bakit ganun?
[10:32] mr. wachowski: naghahanap ka ng kapalit?
[10:32] mr. wachowski: ganun ba dpat?
[10:32] mr. wachowski: msyado kang fragile pagdating saakin, parang takot na takot ka?
[10:33] fashionista: ok..what else?
[10:33] mr. wachowski: see
[10:33] mr. wachowski: haaaaaay
[10:34] fashionista: no...continue
[10:34] fashionista: tell me
[10:36] mr. wachowski: no
[10:38] fashionista: o bakit ayaw mo?
[10:38] fashionista: sabihin mo na lahat
[10:38] fashionista: para matapos na to
[10:39] fashionista: hindi yung unti-unti
[10:39] mr. wachowski: meng,, e ikaw?? ano bang gusto mo mangyari satin?
[10:39] mr. wachowski: gusto mo bang magkabalikan tyo?
[10:39] mr. wachowski: ano?

when he asked those questions, that's when it hit me. i stared at my screen for the longest time, at loss for words. i didn't know what to answer. and for the first time in all our conversations, i tried to dodge the question:

[10:41] fashionista: gusto kong matapos na to
[10:42] mr. wachowski: ano?
[10:42] mr. wachowski: anong gusto mong tapusin?
[10:45] fashionista: your games
[10:45] fashionista: your acts
[10:53] mr. wachowski: bye
[10:53] fashionista: bye!

i wasn't able to concentrate with work after that. i wasn't expecting him to respond this way. he caught me off guard with his questions and his answers. i was actually expecting him to avoid it and change the topic again like what he usually does.

but after thinking about it for a few hours, it all became clear to me. i now know the answer. i don't want us to get back together. although we have feelings for each other, being together will only complicate things.

and now, i can finally move on.

i'm a fag hag and lovin' it.

2007-09-23T22:14:00.000+08:00

i spent my early saturday morning with my gay friends. we were at lawrence's place to celebrate kuya rye's birthday. there were five of us and i was the only girl there. even so, i didn't even feel a bit left out. why? because i'm a fag hag (for definition, click here). i've been one since my college days.

whatever country i am in, whichever group of friends i go with, there's always a gay man in the group who i become very close with. even the gay guys at work become my friends instantly. i love their company especially because they are the men who can be completely honest with you. they won't be shy to tell you if you looked horrendous and you won't feel offended, instead, you take it as a constructive criticism. and they also won't be shy to tell you when you look beautiful.

another reason why i love my gay friends is because they still know how to respect a woman. with simple gestures like opening the door for me, or offering me their seats, gays still know how to treat a lady with respect (at least the ones i know).

they are my favorite shopping buddies because they are the experts in fashion trends. they are my favorite partying buddies because they definitely know how to have fun. and i also run to them for advice when it comes to love. because they'll speak to you in all honesty, tell you when you're already being stupid and it's time to let go. this is not true for all gays though, i'm only talking about MY gay friends.

my life wouldn't be as fun and colorful as it is now if i didn't have them in it. and my next boyfriend should be as comfortable as i am around them for i don't plan on turning away from being a fag hag, ever.

i've gone all emo again.

2007-09-22T15:19:00.000+08:00

It's time to be honest with myself
I've fooled around too long
now all I think about is you
and what we used to have

I'm scared to live without your love
coz you were really all I had
now my only love has gone away
and it hurts so bad

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
is you, is you
is you, baby.

It's time to be honest with you babe
you made me a better woman
you cared for me so much
so much you scared me boy

Now I feel you in the air I breath
even though you're not in front of me
you were like a summer breeze
and it's killing me

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
is you babe
You're the only man

I'm tired of crying, come back in my life
think about it, it's been awhile
I've never meant to hurt you baby
you're the only man I need....

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
is you
the only man is you
the only man is you

The only thing that's missing in my life, is you.
The only thing I need in my life, is you.
the only man is you...

You by Athena Cage
-------------------------------------------------------

"you'll never know what true love is until you get hurt but still learn to forgive and sacrifice your own happiness."

--at least i can say i've experienced true love even for once in my life.

nostalgia and the singlehood

2007-09-20T14:32:00.000+08:00

my life has been very busy lately and i'm not complaining because i wanted it to be. but somehow in the midst of all the partying and hanging out with your friends, you can't help but have a nostalgic moment. when the party has ended; when your friends have gone back to their place and you to yours; when you're by yourself on your bed trying to sleep, that's when it hits you, that reminiscent feeling.

i have experienced that some nights ago. even when you think you're enjoying your life, you'll somehow feel that there's still something missing. and then you'll realize there's no one to share these happy times with. when you had a great day, there's no one to celebrate it with. when something drives you mad at work, there's no one to give you encouraging and comforting words. when you remember the funny things, you remember it alone and all you can do is smile discreetly about it. at the end of the day, there's no one you look forward talking to whose voice could take all your weariness away. the despairs of singlehood -- something i never thought i'd care about.

i'm feeling nostalgic. because before, i have someone to talk to and share stories of my life with. before, i have someone who will listen to me rant about work or just about anything. before, there was someone i can have reminiscent moments with. because before, i have someone to call and talk to just because. we didn't have to say anything, we just have to stay on the other line for each other and we'd already feel secure.

there are so many things happening in my life but i still can't say i'm completely happy. my friends will be there only up to a certain point. and hard as i try to cover up my loneliness and discontentedness at work with drinking and partying, it still manages to emerge from underneath. i can only do so much as pretend to be happy, but when i wash my make-up away and take my pretty dress off, i'm just another lonely woman.

hot pot.

2007-09-18T00:18:00.000+08:00

after telling myself i will rest this week, here i am coming home late again with a pretty good excuse this time. i bumped into phil, one of my close friends, while i was walking with abi in central. phil told me that he and jerry were going to meet up for a hot-pot dinner and he asked me to come with them. at first, i didn't want to go because it was so sudden. but then he told me that jerry was gonna get married on wednesday and that's what changed my mind.

even though it was far (in hung hom again), i still agreed to go because i wanted to meet up with old friends. even mike c. and his wife joined us for our hot-pot. the food was good and cheap and all of us were so full when we left the place. i'd say it was worth the trip. for all the 'kwentos', the 'asaran', and all the catching up was definitely worth the trip.

anyway, just wanted to write something to update. and i will start going home early and resting tomorrow...i hope!

pysically tired. mentally active.

2007-09-15T11:58:00.000+08:00

it's been a busy week. and no, not with work. i've been going out after work for these past few days, always going home not earlier than 12. i can't even remember when was the last time i had enough sleep.

since tuesday, i have made myself a call away from all activities. i say yes to any of my friends inviting me wether to go out and have some drinks or hangout and chill at their place to smoke some bud. and even for the one day i have reserved for resting, i still stayed up late job hunting and chatting with friends. i guess this is my way of keeping myself busy. when you're busy, time passes faster which is also why i hate being in the office. when i'm at work, time seems to move in slow motion.

i'm not sure if it's something to be proud of but i'm no longer a couch potato, at least for the time being. gone were the days when i just lounge around the house watching TV; when I already have a schedule of programs to watch until 12 midnight. although, those were the times that i get to spend with my mom because we like the same shows. i'm sure it will come back...when i allow it.

anyway, what i've been doing for the past week is now taking its toll on me. today, i woke up with a cold. since last week until now, my back has been in pain. and for three days now, i've been experiencing muscle pains all over my body. and to top it off, our masseuse have been MIA since last week, can't even reach her mobile.

but even so, i'm still going out tonight. saturday nights are not meant to be spent at home. i already made that mistake last week, not doing it again tonight.

i'm in pain.

2007-09-11T20:55:00.000+08:00

my hips, my tummy, my legs. they're all in pain. menstrual cramps is a bitch. this is one of those times when i hate being a girl. and to top it off, the day went on very slowly. every minute seemed like an hour. and while i was sitting there at my workstation trying to get some work done, i was secretly wishing i could curl up in bed and sleep.

just as i was already going up, i'm down again...

2007-09-10T19:25:00.000+08:00

i woke up today and felt drained of all positive energies i had last week. and i know why. it's a monday, i have to force myself to go to work again. and also because of lack of proper sleep. i slept late all the previous days.

friday, i went out and got home at 3am.

saturday, i fell asleep at from 6pm to 9pm so i had a hard time sleeping that night. i was also kinda bummed out because our supposed party that day got postponed. then, i was prepped to go out that night but didn't find anyone to go out with. :( and i missed kuya rye's show at volume.

sunday, last night, i stayed up late working on geng's multiply layout and so far, i've only done the banner. it's not yet even finished. it still needs a little bit of cleaning up.

and then today, another monday, start of another work week. it's when your eyes sore from reading all the emails that have piled up over the weekend. it's when you want to slam the phone down on the people you call and talk to because they are cranky. it's when you start the 5-day countdown to the next weekend. i hate mondays.

i didn't used to care whatever day of the week it is or whatever time it is. because i used to like my job. i used to love what i do. and now i don't. i gotta find another job quick!

my adventure and the people i've met.

2007-09-08T11:15:00.000+08:00

i've made new friends. and i got home at around 3:30 this morning coming from a party (clean party :P).

before getting off from work last night, i asked my friend abi if she had any plans for the night. both of us don't want to go straight home on a friday night. she asked me to meet her at worldwide house where i got lost trying to find her. it's been a long time since i last went there so i don't know the place anymore. anyway, when i found her, she was with her two other friends, carie and mars (i think that's what his/her name is). mars is one of abi's lesbian friends and carie is also bisexual. these things are not unusual to me anymore. i have been used to it since i was in high school but what surprised me was that even mars's younger cousins call her "kuya". i dunno, i guess i'm not really accustomed to treating a lesbian girl as a man. i mean, i know their sexual preferences but to use a title or a salutation meant for a male to a female, is just not what i got used to.

after hanging out, carie and abi said they're going to their friend's place at hung hom and asked me to come with them. i hesitated at first because the place was far from where i lived which is in shek tong tsui. (for those not from HK, hung hom is on another island which takes about an hour bus ride). anyway, i didn't feel like going home yet so shy as i am to go to a party where i only know one person, i still joined them.

we got to hung hom city proper and thought the place would be around there. then we found out we still needed to walk to some place and take a mini bus to go further. we walked for 4 blocks i think until we finally found the bus stop and tried to ask one of the drivers where to find a mini bus that goes to tok wa wan. and just as we asked, a bus passes by and the guy we asked pointed at it. when we got on it, the driver was saying some things in cantonese and of course, we didn't understand. and the other people on the bus were staring at us. at that point, i was starting to think that it wasn't such a good idea going there. the place was so far and so unfamiliar that i thought it was already some part of china. our next problem was we weren't sure where to get off. luckily, while some people were getting off at one stop, we saw their friends, jen and noah (also a lesbian and carie's partner), waiting for us.

we finally arrive at our destination. the building was old but when you get inside the place, it was nice and cozy. the party hosts, tin and maggie, really prepared their home for the party. the place was lit only by candles and dim lamps which abi and i thought was perfect for parteeing. hahah! it even had a mini bar with all the alcoholic drinks fixated on the wall upside down ready to be poured and mixed and served. there was a very comfy couch, a carpet, 2 coffee tables in the middle and a huge TV. the place was very spacious and it was decorated well.

while waiting for their other friends, jerry, mike and francis, we went to wellcome to buy some stuff. and when we got back, that's when the party started. tin used to bartend so she was the one mixing drinks. i dunno what it was but it's blue, it had vodka in it and i don't know what else. the shots kept coming and i don't know how many i've taken. but i was already getting tipsy and my apprehensiveness was wearing off. before i knew it, i was already DJing for them using my ipod and dancing with them as well.

so overall, i had a great night and met good people. i'm looking forward to going out with them again especially jen. in my opinion, she was the nicest one there. mike's ok too, he dropped me off at my place even if it was a district past where he lived. and maggie was teasing that he had a crush on me which i don't think is true. maybe he's just happy to have new people around.

anyway, have to go and prepare for a party again tonight. :)

old people (as in the elderly) and Q bar opening.

2007-09-06T19:58:00.000+08:00

as i was on the bus on my way to work, i saw some old people getting on the bus and i noticed what they were wearing. i looked around me and i saw more old people. i looked at them and literally asked myself in a whisper "what the hell are they wearing?" then i came to realize that as these people aged, they also lost their fashion sense. they were wearing mismatched clothes, ugly shoes and unexplainably obnoxious bags. and then i wondered, did they just woke up, got out of bed and put on the clothes they first saw in their cabinets? do they even still have better looking clothes in their cabinets or all are just as ugly as what they were wearing?

i came to thinking about myself. i don't want to reach my aged years and not care about how i look anymore. unless maybe of course i become cenile but still, i would trust my nurse or whoever's taking care of me to dress me up fashionably or i swear i would haunt them when i die.

anyway, i went to Q bar in LKF last night to celebrate both its opening and the 500th day anniversary (i assume) of Escape magazine. michael just started working as an advertising exec for escape so he put me and his girlfriend, eryne, on the guest list for the party.

the place was great, good lighting and comfy seats with house music playing in the background. booze was overflowing and they served some finger food. i had white wine, whiskey coke, and vodka orange, one glass each. and for someone who doesn't drink much, i got a little tipsy but not to worry, i still kept my composure. there were some models who came so there were photographers taking pictures and even a video coverage by FTV.

i had a great time and even met some people from different industries. upon leaving the event, guests were given a goodie bag. found inside it were small gift items and coupons given by their clients and a copy of the latest issue of their magazine.

my flaw. my friend's loneliness.

2007-09-05T23:30:00.000+08:00

to all those people who keeps saying i'm so thin, three words: GO TO HELL! i was at work today minding my business when i got bored with the silence. so i took out my ipod to listen to some songs. and as i looked down on my lap to change the playlist, something caught my eye. there it was, a very horrific sight. i have a bulging tummy. i'm not overreacting! this is a very frightening thing to have for someone as thin as me. damn! i need to do sit-ups and crunches religiously again.

and then later today, i talked to my friend, ado. he was feeling so depressed for the loss of someone he loves. although, he didn't exactly lose her, she just relocated to another country but ado feels like it's the end of the world. as someone who went through that phase, i tried comforting him. i was even trying to make him laugh. i knew it wouldn't be easy. i've been there not so long ago and i was inconsolable that time too. i'll keep trying though. i just have this feeling that because i'm happy, everyone around me has to be happy too.

a fresh start.

2007-09-04T19:36:00.000+08:00

today is one of those days where i am filled with positiveness. even as bad memories come passing through my mind, it doesn't change my mood. i have a new goal...and that is to eliminate everything that's pulling me down. my primary focus would be getting a new job. i need to find a job where i will be productive and happy. i'll start with that and deal with the others afterwards. i need to find a direction for myself.

i think...i need help. professional help.

2007-09-03T22:27:00.000+08:00

i have humiliated myself enough.

i want to cry but there aren't any tears left.

i want to scream but i can only scream inside.

i want to get hurt 'til i can't feel any more pain.

i want to forget but i can't erase the memories.

i can only sit in silence.

i had lunch with my friends today. we were all teasing each other and laughing. they can't even tell i'm hurting inside. but even i myself don't know why i'm still feeling this way. i thought my sadness would be lessened by my acceptance of the facts, but it wasn't. i thought starting a new job would keep my mind off things. but i'm not even happy with my job. it's all just adding up. everything in my life is wrong. my life has turned to be a big disappointment than anyone could ever imagine. i have to find a way to redeem myself.

the "morning party"

2007-09-02T14:16:00.000+08:00

it starts at around 5-6 am. different place every time, so as not to catch the attention of the authorities. it was a totally different experience. it felt like it was my first time again. kuya rye warned me not to take a whole one since it was pretty strong, so i cut it in half. but after feeling some initial effects, i felt like it wasn't effective enough so i eventually took the other half too.

for the first 30 minutes to an hour, i was feeling fine except for my eyes already seeing things a bit slow motion. and then i got lost. don't know what happened next. as i try to remember now, it's all coming to me just a blur, only bits and pieces of my tranced state. it didn't last long though, only for 30-45 minutes i think. and then i got control of myself again.

the effect lasted for quite a while even after i got back home with abi. we chilled at my place for a few hours just listening to music. and what i liked about it is that it didn't make my body feel heavy and tired. and then we got to talk about our first "morning party" experience. we were weirded out a bit with some things we saw there. when we're in full consciousness of what's going on, everyone seems to be acting on command, the command of the music. they freeze at the same time, dance again at the same time, lit cigars at the same time. it's like the music is incorporating something into our minds. i won't deny, it took over me for a couple of times too.

it was my first time parteeing in a bar. it was crowded, maybe around 60-70 people. and thinking that a crowd that big dropped and were intoxicated all at the same time was just plain astonishing to me. and it was funny that the dealer was just there standing around watching his happy customers. and i even saw my old colleagues, annette and april, there. though i might say this experience was pretty interesting, i don't think i'll be looking forward to another one soon. i'll stick with in-houses please.

and thank you so much kuya rye, i love you!! you've taken me away from my miserable life for more hours than i've expected. :)

old people. old lifestyle.

2007-09-01T18:11:00.000+08:00

i once knew and admired someone who's now a proud and egocentric a**hole (i apologize for the harsh word, couldn't think of a better single word description). why "once knew"? because now, i feel like i don't know him anymore. at least not the same person i used to know. people really change a lot over a period of time. and now, i can't say i'm proud to know him.

the life i thought i'd be leaving in manila and i'd be putting behind me is now the life i'm going to welcome again and embrace in my arms. i thought i wanted to live in silence. but i don't want to drown myself in misery. i'm done crying, there are no more tears left. i'm having my old lifestyle back. it's time to end my months of sobriety. my revelry starts tonight.

70th post

2007-08-31T20:57:00.000+08:00

time: 12:35pm
location: my office workstation

here i am...happy again when just yesterday, i was sad and pissed. my life feels like a game of tug-of-war. just when i'm trying to pull back, i get sucked forward again. it's been a very long game and it's still going. i don't know how it will end. if i pull back harder, i'm afraid i'd fall on the ground and get hurt. i can always just let go but i don't want to give up the fight so easily. if i get pulled in and over the line, i dunno what's in it for me.

-end-
time: 12:48pm

time now: 9:02pm

it's not even past one day and my mood has already changed. i'm not mad nor sad. and i'm definitely not happy. it's more like appalled and disappointed. not by the fact as it hit me but by the suddenness of it. i kinda had the intuition of how it's gonna be, i just wasn't expecting it when it hit me.

what will you do when the person you love the most is also the same person who's causing all your hatred? when the person who's the source of that blissful feeling is also the same person who's causing you pain and sadness?

ever felt like you just want to disappear from this world? that you just want to be dead? make it quick and painless, you shouldn't be carrying the pain with you until death, right? but i won't submit to hurting myself. i know better than doing that. and i still love my life, pathetic as it may seem.

hinahanap-hanap kita manila

2007-08-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

i miss manila...where everything is just a call away. food, laundry service, massage, water, your friends...everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. when i wanted to partee, it's just a call away. and more often than not, to our delight, mr. k comes along for free. and when we get really lucky, a little bit of blow joins us too. :D i can't say the same here in HK. and that makes me sooo effin' homesick.

memories. they're all i have.

2007-08-29T22:08:00.000+08:00

my sister found my old bag...black, checkered, branded polo. taba kept insisting it was my mum's bag. i know it still has some of my stuff in it. in my efforts to prove to her it was mine, i rummaged into it. i found old boarding passes from my previous trips here when i was still coming here during vacations; the receipt for my graduation pictures which i never got to claiming; an old test permit; the directory of AA officers during our time; a lot of other unimportant papers.

but what caught my attention the most were the crucifix keychain (given to him by a priest), concert tickets to incubus live in manila dated march 12, 2004 and two letters that he wrote to me. both were folded and one has this written on the cover fold: "basahin mo ito kapag nalulungkot ka, ok? i love you....(signed: Aid)". so i did. i unfolded it and i read it. and this is what it said:

3:30 am
030404

Baby,
Alam kong la ng tym para bumili ng card or sumthing. kaya kumuha nalang ako ng paper para magsulat. Baby thanx 4 everything, lahat ng ginawa mo saakin, lahat lahat. Msaya ako sa lahat, baby sana di mo ako ipagpalit, sana ako padin kahit anong mangyari. baby sana naiintindihan mo itong sulat ko, kahit malabo, rush eh. hehehe, baby sabihin mo ng selfish ako, pero ngayon iparamdam mo saakin ngyon na nakapag-adjust ka na ok? baby sana alam ko lahat ng nangyayari sayo dun, ok? lahat, "no secrets" ok? bsta hihintayin at hihintayin kita baby, ha? bsta nand2 lang ako!!!
I love you soo...
Miss you na baby...
Miss you.

(signed: Aid)
-End
-3:50 am
-030404

reading that made me think...why didn't i read this during the times i was sad; during the times i was depressed; during the times i was having doubts. i wouldn't be in the situation that i am now if i did. and i wouldn't have learned from my experiences if i did. life taught me lessons the hard way. still, this is one of the things that bring smile to my lips and tears in my eyes.

going to sleep early, still feeling feverish. my body felt so weak while in the office today to the point that i even wanted to lie down on the restroom floor. gonna get some rest and hope i feel better when i wake up.

gonna be sick.

2007-08-28T20:33:00.000+08:00

i'm not feeling well, been like this since sunday night. my whole body is aching. at first i thought it was because of staying late out last saturday night. but it still hurts even after i got a massage. and now my throat hurts. and everyone who knows me would know that my throat hurting is a sign that i'm gonna be sick. it's been like that since my childhood days. i'll either get toncilitis or pharyngitis. i better get some medication now before it becomes worse.

anyway, i've been thinking these past few days. i wanna get out of here. i wanna go to some other place. i want to go on an adventure. i don't want to stay here. i want to be on the move. i'm bored with my life.

am i gay?

2007-08-26T13:53:00.000+08:00

oh God, i'm still very sleepy. i'm still so tired from last night. i can't believe i got home at 7am this morning. dax surely had fun last night. and i'm officially part of the gay society now both in hk and the philippines. why do i say that? not only do i have a lot of gay friends, i go to gay bars with them. i used to do that in the philippines and did it here in hk last night. we went to two bars, volume and propaganda. i'm a bit surprised that the gay community here in hk is that big when being gay is not really openly accepted here yet. at least not as accepted in manila.

i met new friends and saw old friends. i saw kuya rye and mike in volume. the bars were actually nice, i like the music. and i feel safe in bars like that heheh. i can bump and grind with all the guys in the dance floor and know that no one's gonna touch me. heheh. we've made new friends, benson and kyvans. they were great people, really sweet. we met them because i'm a pimp. hahahah! i had fun. i love gays!

btw, don, if you're reading this, i'm sorry but ashley's right. i have to keep my distance. for everyone else's sake. i won't be happy but...who cares anyway? i can look for other ways to make myself happy. you know what i'm talking about. :D

soulmates?

2007-08-24T19:32:00.000+08:00

i know who i want now but don't know where to find him. i never believed in soulmates but there's no harm in starting now, right?

my soulmate will be someone who:

...accepts my weirdness and craziness.
...loves kids like i do.
...tells me his secrets.
...loves to eat like i do.
...will travel with me to different places.
...makes me laugh without trying too hard.
...sings to me til i fall asleep.
...is serious enough to know his responsibilities and still knows how to have fun.
...will once in a while dance with me or just stay with me in the rain.
...will serenade me (using whatever instrument he knows how to play).
...will be with me in a train or bus full of people and protect me.
...strokes my hair when i put my head on his lap.
...knows how to dress, if not fashionably, at least properly.
...doesn't drink too much alcohol. (he has to take care of me when i get drunk :P)
...won't be afraid to express his feelings.
...builds dreams with me.
...is there for me when i cry even for no reason.
...i can have a good conversation with anytime, anywhere.
...wears a pink shirt and look very masculine.
...loves listening to music.
...will watch concerts with me.
...shows big love and respect for his mum.
...dances with me even when there's no music.
...looks at me perfectly even with my imperfections.
...loves me no matter what.

and he doesn't have to be handsome, for he will be handsome in my eyes. i'm tired of searching and longing. i'll wait for my soulmate and i don't care how long it takes.

somewhere in the middle by dishwalla

2007-08-23T00:01:00.001+08:00

I was out the other day
And I saw you in your big black car
And I was waving as you were passing
'Cause I know who you are

You had this look, that of an angel
It was such a bad disguise
Did you think for second I would not realize?

Tripping hard falling down onto the ground
'Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
'Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

I was out the other night
And I saw you so we had a fight
It was late and I was lonely
And it's such a long way home
So I asked you if you'd join me
For a single last call drink
So you turned and bought us 2
And you didn't even blink

You had this look, that of an angel
It was such a bad disguise
When you drink, it makes you angry
When I drink, I want you more and more and more

Tripping hard, falling down onto the ground
'Cause I can't stand up and I can't fall down
'Cause I'm somewhere in the middle of this

Well, I find it hard
I always tried to find the sane life
But I don't like the way things are
And I keep falling to my knees
Somewhere in the middle of this

how does it feel being stuck?...no moving forward, no moving back. you only have yourself, no one else to help. you want to stop but you just couldn't resist. it's all up to you. no one else but you.

uncertainty

2007-08-22T20:19:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you’re caught in between?
You see those words but don’t know what they mean.
It’s not a question of what’s right or wrong
Will you step back or will you keep moving on.

And with all the obstacles blocking my way,
I keep telling myself I’ll get through alright.
But when reality creeps up on me,
All I can do is run away and hide.

When will I have the courage, when will I be strong?
It’s one of life’s games and I have to play along.
Time comes soon for me to give up the fight.
I’m weak, too weak; take me back to the light.

I wish there wasn’t any need to say goodbye
But I don’t know how much longer I can cry.
Nobody knows what the future brings
There’s no promise of happy endings.

And with all the obstacles blocking my way,
I keep telling myself I’ll get through alright.
But when reality creeps up on me,
All I can do is run away and hide.

All I can do is run away and hide.

can you say party? i'll say parteehh!

2007-08-21T22:42:00.000+08:00

it has officially been a week since i started on my first job and i'm glad to say....i'm aliiiiiive!!! but i don't know for how long. God, the silence in that office is killing me! for the whole day that i stay there, it's only like 20% of the whole time when you hear something else aside from silence. danny and karen seem more friendly than the others, went to lunch with them today.

anyway, i can't wait for this weekend. friday night, we'll be cheking out this club rumored to be playing dnb songs all night. dax is coming this saturday, gonna go shoppppping during the day and parteeeeeeing during the night. ok, have to contain myself...(don't get overexcited or it will not turn out the way you expected it.)

new book. new clothes.

2007-08-19T18:46:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna be broke soon. but i'm happy that i finally got more work clothes. *woooot*...had a hard time looking for clothes to wear last week. need to wear corporate attire to work and i don't have much of those. so for two days, i bought a jacket, 3 tops and 3 slacks. the slacks are the more important ones since all i had before were jeans.

i also just got home from Rick's daughter's party. she's so adorably cute. i was too scared to carry her though. she's only 3 months old, still too fragile for me. i might break something in her body if i carry her, lol! i have to get more used to socializing in parties like that. but then again, most of them were prolly 10 years older than me so i wouldn't really know how to start a conversation with them.

i also got a new book, which i will be off to bury my head into after this. title is "for one more day" by mitch albom. i'm thinking it's a story about families and how to deal with them. i'm off to find out.

slap me. shake me. put me in a barrel of ice cold water.

2007-08-18T16:33:00.000+08:00

it feels so awkward to update now. he knows about my blog and i don't know if he's checking it or not. how did he find out? coz li'l ol' me can't keep my mouth shut. he talked to me the other day and asked about stuff and i told him about my breakup. and then he accused me of having an easy time getting in and out of relationships. i didn't have time to explain coz i was at work and what better explanation is there than my blog? so yeah, i blurted it out.

anyway, i need to be slapped, or shaked or whatever. someone do anything to wake me up from my stupidity. why am i giving advices to him regarding his relationship? well...ok, it's not stupid. it's what you do for someone you care about. but if it's already hurting you, why still do it? arrrggh!!!! i hate myself! that's what i was afraid of...talking to him, him talking about his relationship, me taking it all in pretending to be unaffected but really hurting inside. (mae, commit suicide now, why don't you?)

things at work is going well. i'm getting more familiarized with things we need to do. my colleagues seem nice especially my boss. he seems really concerned with his employees. and at least my work keeps my mind off my other problems. but at the end of the day, it haunts me. i can't get it out of mind...while on the bus going home, while watching TV, before i sleep. *sigh* how do i run away?

back to school?

2007-08-14T23:32:00.000+08:00

aaaarrgh!! i haven't taken sooo much information in one sitting since my college days. it was my first day on the job and there was so much i need to learn. we're probably only at 5% of everything i need to learn on this new job. i'm not complaining. i believe that each day should be a learning experience for everyone.

anyway, i saw him online last night. and there i was again, like a little girl playing with opening and closing of the messenger window, thinking if i should send him a message or not. but i finally decided not to. he seemed busy, i didn't want to get in his way.

well, i still need to do some research for my job. but unlike in school, i'm getting paid to do the research. hehehe.

last day as a bum

2007-08-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

i didn't think of updating today since i didn't really feel like writing. i just bummed around the house today and updated my facebook. went out to buy a card and some food.

then when i got back home, i talked to danah and found out that she and her boyfriend broke up. she told me she parteed again and that partee has always been her bestfriend. i dunno, i kinda felt jealous...i wanted to partee too. it wasn't as easy to get the stuff like in manila, didn't know any contacts here.

anyway, what really made me write is this quote i got from danah which i found to be sooo true. just wanted to share it:

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together."

i think most people, if not all, will be able to relate to this quote. it could be from a previous relationship or a present one. simply put, in relationships, we all have to make sacrifices.

tomorrow will be my first day of work. i don't know what to expect but i do know that i gotta shop for more work clothes.

excitement or anxiety?

2007-08-12T21:09:00.000+08:00

i had a hard time sleeping last night. i went to bed early since i want my body to get used to sleeping early. i went to bed at around 10:30, fell asleep for a little bit but then i woke up around 12 and wasn't able to sleep until 3. it's not the first time actually. it's been weeks that i've had this problem. though it doesn't happen every night, it happens for most nights. i dunno, i've got a lot in my mind lately...my problems, him, my new job.

i don't know if i'm feeling excited towards this new job. i'm scared that i won't be able to manage it. i'm scared of jobs that offer commission based on your sales, performance, etc. because it sort of becomes a competition among colleagues and i don't want a competition in the workplace. people tend to do some evil things to get on top. i'm scared to be like that or be a victim of that.

anyway, i listen to my ipod every night to try and get me to sleep. but it seems harder since almost every song on my playlist reminds me of him. unless of course i listen to the other playlists which are composed of old songs, hip-hop and r&b songs, partee songs, chillout songs and bossa nova. but why would i listen to those when i'm trying to get to sleep. i have old songs and bossa nova songs for my dad, never got to transferring it out.

it's been a lazy sunday. we didn't go to church because of the weather. and again, i have to assist my dad with their business so i had to sit in front of the computer. i helped my sister change her multiply page layout. then i thought of designing my own layout using photoshop cs2 but as always, didn't get to finish it. i also thought of learning CSS but it seems so complicated so didn't go through with it.

so, after my realization last night, i decided that i'm going to send him a card to let him know. why a card? well, i figured it can be an advanced happy birthday greeting and it's more personal that way. i can't tell him over the phone coz i wouldn't have the courage to. and not on chat coz he never seems to be paying attention to me on chat. the question is, when will i get enough courage to write him a card?

a realization

2007-08-11T20:59:00.000+08:00

i have just finished watching "the godfather 2" and "csi: miami". that's what we usually do on saturdays, be couch potatoes and do movie marathons. well, i've always been a couch potato, lol! we were too lazy to go out coz it's still raining. and yes, it's only now that i have watched "the godfather 2". and yesterday was my first time to watch the first godfather movie. my sister borrowed a complete dvd collection from her boyfriend. it's actually been with us for 2 weeks but i've only watched it yesterday.

anyway, while trying to sleep last night, i've been thinking about him again. and that's when i realized that maybe it's really time to let go. the other day when we were talking with our cams on, i was watching him while he was on the phone. he was smiling, he was happy. he didn't even have to tell me, i knew he was talking to his girlfriend. if this girl is making him happy then i don't want to ruin that. i don't want to give up but if he's happy now, i'll respect that. cliche but if he's happy, i'm happy for him. i hope the girl loves him as much as i do or even more than i do.

but i don't want to disappear all of a sudden. and i don't know how to tell him. everytime i try to talk to him seriously and tell him about my feelings, it seems as if he doesn't really listen. it seems as if he doesn't even care about what i tell him. this reminds me of the movie "being john malkovich". i wish i could just get into his head and find out what he's really thinking. but it's nowhere near possible doing that so it will all remain a mystery to me.

cold weather and i'm getting weak

2007-08-10T20:36:00.000+08:00

it has been raining for three days now. the cold weather makes me want to stay in bed the whole day but i can't. i have to monitor my dad's business transactions, so off to the computer for me again. i got a call from rick, my new boss. he told me he'd email the contract to me on monday and i can start on tuesday. i forgot to ask him about the dress code, damn! i wanted to know so i can go shop for clothes over the weekend if needed.

i'm still so sleepy. stayed up late last night talking to him. although, we didn't really talk much. he just asked me if iphones were being sold here already. i had no idea but my sister just bought a new phone so i said i'd ask her. and that's what i did this morning. i asked my sister and a couple of friends to find out.

what surprised me was that when i asked my friend jason, after answering, he talked to me about other stuff. he wanted to partee and he was asking me if i knew where to buy or whom to buy from. abi asked me the same question last week. why are they all asking me??? i find it funny that they think i know a lot about this stuff. jason even wanted to partee here at my place knowing i'm alone during the day. lol!!

anyway, so when i found out the answer, i messaged him. apparently, he already knew coz he found out over the internet. i tried to start a friendly conversation, was gonna tell a joke but he ruined it. and then he made some annoying comments and was even happy that i was getting annoyed. i dunno, i feel like he's deliberately trying to push me away. it's really hard to get to him now. i don't even know how to start a conversation with him. everytime i open up the messenger window, i think twice before sending him a message. sometimes, i just end up closing it again because i don't know if he wants to talk to me. i dunno how much longer i can do this. i've never been the strong one, he was. and doing this alone, it's really sucking all my strength.

dejavu

2007-08-09T19:31:00.000+08:00

i got a job offer. :) and not only one but two!! both my interviews last tuesday and today went well. although i thought the CSR job was interesting since it was for cameras, equipment and accessories, when i think about it, i'll probably get bored with it in the long run. i know nothing in headhunting or recruitment but it's never a bad time to start learning. i have to choose the job where i know i will grow. i can't stay in customer service forever.

anyway, now that i think about it, it's kind of weird that i'm going through this situation again. i've been through this not only once or twice but three times!!! what am i talking about? everytime i go looking for a job, i get 2 offers which makes it difficult for me to decide which to accept.

first,in 2004, i just got here from manila and i went looking for a job. i went to a couple of interviews. one company was already giving me a job offer while the other (the one that i liked more) asked me to wait since they were moving offices.

second time was just last year. i resigned from my previous job and was looking for a new one when my dad's friend introduced someone to me. that someone was looking for some sort of personal assistant and i applied. problem came when lars talked to me and offered me a job in the philippines. it was hard to decide between the two.

now it's happening again. but this time, it's not so difficult to make a decision. i know what i want and that's what i'm going to pursue.

i have one concern though. since i'm going to be new on the job, i don't think i can take a leave off. so there goes the family vacation to the US...*sigh* and there goes my chance of seeing him again. :(

every little thing

2007-08-09T14:04:00.000+08:00

i just got home from another interview. this time it's for a headhunting agency. my mom's colleague suggested that i apply with them and i did. i already talked to the general manager on the phone a couple of times but i was still nervous all throughout the interview. i hope it went well.

i was in a hurry to get home so i could still catch him online. and to my delight, he still was. i buzzed him but got no response. he's probably asleep already and just left his messenger on. and i was kinda hoping we'd see each other on cam again and he'll see me all made up.*sigh* i wanted to call him while i was on the bus but i didn't want to seem too aggressive.

anyway, on the bus on my way to my interview, i remembered this song. and as i tried to remember the lyrics there was this line that really got me. it was exactly what i want to say to him. i searched for the lyrics and as i listened to it, i realized it's exactly how i'm feeling right now. i feel like i'm losing him for every day that passes by. i promised myself i'd take it slow but the slower i'm taking it, the more that i lose him. i don't know what to do.

here's the song:

Every Little Thing by Dishwalla

let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
lee all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
and when you find out who you are, it's too late to change

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the ground
see all come
you say you're all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and when you find out who you are, too late to change

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
Oh, I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted, you wanted
all the time

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all, salvation
coz when you find out who you are, too late to change
too late to change

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
Oh, I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
every little thing you wanted
all the time
this time
every little thing you wanted
all the time, oh

but i get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away

"wish i could be every little thing you wanted...all the time."

happiness...

2007-08-08T15:14:00.000+08:00

what's the reason for my happiness? we're talking again! and not just any talk, we're talking comfortably with each other. and i can see him on cam :) i'm ok with this. i hope it's like this all the time.

anyway, i've started two adobe projects again. i thought of editing one of ado's photos just for laughs but as always, i didn't get to finish it and get the effect i wanted. the other project is for bea. i saw her pics on friendster and i want to edit a photo for her. i will do it later. my eyes hurt now.

an ode...

2007-08-08T01:22:00.001+08:00

why i love him...

he's not your typical tall, dark and handsome guy;
he's more like average, fair and cute.
he's not the brainy type who buries himself in books and knows about everything;
he's that smart fella who survives through problems thrown his way.
he doesn't give expensive jewelleries, chocolates or flowers;
he's the one who presents you with a cute, white teddy bear named Mr. Wachowski.
he's not that guy who takes you out to a fancy dinner to impress you;
he's the one who joins you and eats with you on the street when you're craving for 'isaw' and 'kwek-kwek'.
he's not the 'ideal man' your mom told you about when you were young.

he's the one who makes you smile in the simplest of ways.
he's the one who already knew how to be sweet at a very young age, with his efforts to write "i love you" and sign his name adrĭ¬~°.
he's the one you meet in a chatroom and talks to you on the phone until 6 in the morning.
he's the one who does crazy things like making the mall escalators stop.
he's the one who's too shy for a first kiss on the lips so he kisses your hand instead.
he's that accident prone guy who gets injured in a simple basketball game.
he's the one who says he'll help you clean the house but ends up ordering you around.
he's the one who doesn't pick fights but somehow, fights find him.
he's the one who goes all the way to your place at 3 in the morning so you can attend the "simbang gabi" together.
he's the one who gives you his Incubus concert ID and doesn't get mad when you lose it.
he's the only kuya ed--edsa there is.
he's the one who draws or tries to draw the face of Jesus on your cousin's notebook just to prove that he can draw.
he's the one who brings his x-box to your house so you can play together.
he's the nicest sakristan in singgalong church.
he's the one who, despite saying he doesn't dance, still dances with you in front of the mirror.
he's the one who comes over at 2 in the morning to be with you and celebrate new year with you.

he's not the perfect man all women talks about; he's the perfect man for me.

2007: From the beginning to present

2007-08-07T21:52:00.000+08:00

Jan 2007

i had to monitor the night shift staff. i had a good relationship with them. it's such a good feeling knowing they respect you and look up to you. i got to hang out with a couple of guys after work playing dota hahaha! i never thought i'd be playing that game. i dunno, never liked strategy games. i can't say i'm a pro at it but i do know how, and i can beat others.

i was getting so lonely at home that i decided to buy a cat. i never thought of what breed to buy, i just checked how it looks like. i wanted a lazy cat so we can both stay at home and be lazy together heheh. but then i ended up buying a 1 month old siamese kitten. i found out from a friend that it's one of those hyperactive breeds of cats. she was so tiny that i got scared of taking care of her. she needed so much supervision that i asked my friend to take care of her first. but i never got to getting her back.

anyway, i still get to talk to him sometimes. he said he might be coming home in february and even joked about staying at my condo while he's here. i really miss him...

and then, we both lost contact of each other. it was end of january when i saw him update his friendster. he's with someone else...i was furious. i didn't know what to do. but i know what i didn't want to do, to talk to him. i was so mad and felt so cheated. but i knew i didn't have the right to get mad, i wasn't his girlfriend. but it wouldn't have hurt as much if he was just honest with me and told me himself. what hurt me the most was the way i found out about it.

Feb 2007

i was crushed. there were times when i was all alone in my condo crying all day. i thank God that rachelle was there for me to talk to. she's always been the one i run to when i have problems. she's my bestfriend, my roommate and my secret-keeper.

my sister came home for an operation. my parents followed a few days later for a vacation. tito sam and family took us to tagaytay to go to this ranch with a casino and racetrack (i forgot the name). i didn't know it was fun to watch horse racing live.

it was on this month too when i got curious about other things. i started hanging out with clarence and some other peeps from work, me and rachelle. we ended up parteeing with them. i enjoyed it. it gave me some sort of happiness, although it was only temporary. but then when the effect wears off, i go back to my old depressed self. there was even a time when the people parteeing with me had to listen to me blabbing about my problem and crying. i craved for more for the weeks that followed, which i got, thanks to clarence, danah and others. i met more new people through parteeing like louie, kate, jason and punch.

March 2007

the parteeing continued. it happened almost every weekend. it was happening so often that i was already carrying gum and a vicks inhaler in my bag all the time. LOL! have to be prepared! coz there was one time that we dropped while on the NLEX and we had to settle for some vicks vapor rub, that was weird. and i know it's not something to be proud of but i sort of influenced other guys at work to do it too. guys, whom i didn't know, liked me.

this month were not only of partees but also of drinking. we were parteeing on the weekends and drinking during weekdays after work. clarence had a 3-day birthday celebration. we can often be found at meatshop, a place in xavierville, with overflowing booze and baked oysters and barbecue.

danah and our other officemate cha were looking for a place to stay. and i didn't want to be alone as it makes me even more depressed. so we decided to share the condo unit i was renting. i take care of the rent, they handle the bills. and we now have a baby in the house!! kendra, cha's cute little daughter.

it was in the morning of march 16 when i got a phone call. i recognized the number and when i answered it, i knew it was him. he told me he's in manila and i answered him coldly. i was still mad at him for what he did. what did he expect? that i would sound excited? the call was during an after-partee time, i haven't even got enough sleep and i have to go to work that afternoon.

anyway, i needed to go back to hong kong for a few days to extend my visa. but before i left, i hosted a partee at my place heheh. it was then that i found out that this guy at work, whom i found cute, liked me. his name was kristian. that's how our relationship started. he said he already liked me the first time he saw me but was intimidated by me. maybe not intimidated, but like most people, he found me snobbish at first. i found him sweet especially because he was there comforting me at times when i was crying.

he had a girlfriend but the more that he hung out with me, the more he fell for me. and i realized i liked him too. we hung out with each other more and enjoyed each other's company. he broke up with his girlfriend because his feelings for me were far more stronger. i felt flattered with the attention i was getting. i found myself smiling again.

April 2007

i'm not sure when exactly but it was this month when we formally became a couple. no one knew of course but our close friends kinda got the hint. the parteeing became less and less because the others were having some issues with each other so the group fell apart.

i was promoted to virtual accounts manager this month. i got to interview people both internally and externally to look for staff for my department. i administered some tests as well. my friend mon got in and i really think he had team leader potential but according to chris, (the a**shole american guy) we need to observe his performance first.

my friends and i were usually hanging out at my place watching DVDs. we also took turns taking care of kendra until we found a yaya.

everything between me and kristian were ok. but i never told anyone that i'm still missing him despite of what he did. my anger had subsided. he tried to talk to me a couple of times but i ignored him or pushed him away because of my pride. i wanted no connection to him, deleted him from my friendster, my phone, my yahoo contacts.

there were times when kristian sang incubus songs to me and i got mad at him coz i thought he was teasing me (everytime and i mean EVERYTIME i hear any song by incubus, it reminds me of him). turns out that kristian was trying to make me forget about him but i don't think it worked.

May 2007

our company finally closed down (i don't want to get into details, i'd only end up cussing endlessly at the people involved). now i really have a lot of problems. i have a contract for the condo until october and i didn't want to lose the 2 month security deposit. i've decided to try and look for a job in the Philippines.

my family supported my decision, although they would be happier if i went back to hong kong. my sister got promoted which left her previous position open so i was asked to apply. i came back to hong kong for the sole reason of attending an interview. unfortunately, even after all that, they wanted someone who spoke mandarin. my trip wasn't really unproductive. i went to disneyland with my sister, courtesy of kuya rye. we had fun taking a lot of pictures heheh.

so i went back to manila to try my luck. but i wasn't able to find any other job that has at least the same salary i used to earn to be able to pay the rent and provide for myself. the chances of me staying in manila was getting really slim.

there were times when i felt lonely but instead of thinking about my boyfriend, i thought about him. i sent him a message confessing how i felt for him, he just got mad at me for not telling him earlier. i told him i already have a boyfriend and i know he was already with someone else. i thought we should move on.

June 2007

my friends and i started the month with a celebration. i'm not sure what we're celebrating though lol! kate was the one who thought about it. so we went to tagaytay and rented a place there where we drank A LOT. i enjoyed the night and was especially happy because kristian was there with me.

i finally decided to move back to hong kong. although it was really sweet of my housemates to offer equal share of the expenses we have, i still wouldn't be able to save money for myself. i knew it would be better for me to go back to hong kong. and so i did in the middle of the month.

it was hard leaving a lot of things behind and i will miss a lot of people especially kristian who was there for me during the not-so-happy times.

and so the search for a job in hong kong starts...

July 2007

it was finally time to face the reality. the loneliness is getting to me. i got to run away from it before through going out with friends and spending time playing with kendra. but now, i can't hide from it anymore.

we moved to a new flat in a building just a couple of blocks away from the old one. searching for a job has been really hard. i've met up with a couple of guys i used to work with, some of them were looking for a job too. we went out to dinner and for a couple of drinks. it felt good to get out of the house and do something else for a change. also, the seventh harry potter book was released so i had a 2-day marathon reading it. it's finally the end, i'm going to miss harry potter.

the house we moved to had a piano so to pass the time, i started trying to learn how to play. started with guessing a few songs. what i really wanted to learn was Canon in D because i thought it was sweet (i saw in the movie "my sassy girl") but i had a hard time looking for the piano sheet so i ended up with only hope. in just two days, i learned the right hand for this song but can't seem to coordinate the left hand :(...then i started looking for other piano sheets until i found a guy on youtube who had video tutorials and that's when i learned how to play unfaithful. it's the only song i can play with both hands and still, it's not so perfect but it sounds like the song. i learned more songs, only with the right hand, like i believe, a little bit of canon and intros to some songs.

and then, i found myself thinking about him more and more instead of thinking about my boyfriend. i wanted to talk to him but my pride took over me. i thought he's happy and i should just be happy too. until he sent me a message one day. he told me he can't forget about me and he still loves me. i thought we were in the same place so i confessed how i felt for him...i confessed everything. well, he wasn't happy about it and called me a cheat. i felt like i've made a fool of myself and that he didn't really care about how i feel.

this is when i got more confused...about what i want, about what i have to do, about my feelings. there's nowhere to hide, no parteeing to run to, not even anyone that i can talk to. i wanted to disappear and just reappear when it's all over. but i can't...all i was able to do was cry myself to sleep for so many nights.

Aug 2007

what a way to start august...i decided to break up with kristian. it's been weeks that i've been confused about my feelings. i can't even get myself to lie to him and tell him that i love him so he would be happy.

well, it wasn't my decision alone. kristian understood what i was going through and he also thought i have to think about what i really want. and what i really want right now is to be alone. i don't know for how long or if it's forever...

i tried learning more songs on the piano just to get my mind off things. but again, i was having trouble playing both hands. i learned the songs clocks, brick, diary and kissing you. not the full songs though, just some part of it. i guess i'm not really a musician, grrrr!!!

2006 chronicles of my life

2007-08-07T19:06:00.000+08:00

Jan-Feb 2006

i don't think i did anything special during this 2 months. lived my life as usual, going to work and straight home after. i started playing WoW again on February to play with the people i met in MU. We created characters on Dragonblight Alliance, mine was a night elf priest named Alexxandria. We met new people in a guild called 'Angkan Hagibis', mostly filipino peeps.

Mar-Apr 2006

if i remember it right, it was around end of march when we went to boracay, me, my sister, aira, tinay and ivy (tinay's new friend from miriam). we stayed longer this time and had a lot of fun. we met aira's ateneo friends, the pasas and the chorizos. pics can be found on my multiply account (if you know it, good for you. if not, sorry). this was the time when the "SG" was founded. (SG stands for a lot of things, i will not enumerate it, assume whatever you want). it's basically the term for us 5 girls: aira, me, ivy, l.a. and tinay.

anyway, it was also around this time when i had my realization. my bf then was ian, but i was still in love with someone else. i was in boracay to have fun but was still calling him and missing him.

i tried breaking off with ian but after talking to him and my friend marie (who happens to know ian from before), i decided to give the relationship a chance.

May-Jun 2006

the tension at work finally lead me to resign on May. that month also marked my 2nd year in the company.

during this time, i'm still very much addicted to playing WoW. but then there had been some conflicts within some people in the guild that caused a break up. i ended up moving from guild to guild until june when i finally joined Merveilles, composed mostly of Singaporeans.

it was also in june when our titos and titas (sam, freddie, rita, rose) came to visit for a mini-reunion here in hong kong. it was fun. it brings so much happiness to my parents when friends and relatives come to visit. it was also on this month when i got a dreadful haircut. i saw a short hairstyle in a magazine and really liked it. unfortunately, the hairstylist doesn't speak english so he didn't understand what i wanted. even so, the magazine was there for him to see but he still didn't get the style i wanted. so i got a short haircut which got no style at all.

(pictures can be found on my multiply again)

July-Aug 2006

i don't remember much of july, except that we watched BEP in concert (hell yeah!!!), but i remember august. it was during this time when my feelings for him felt stronger. i broke up with ian finally. i didn't want to hurt him but i'd be hurting him more if we continued the relationship with me loving someone else.

i haven't found a new job yet which gave me more time to talk to him. talk about the past and what's going on in our present lives. although he still had feelings for me, he wasn't ready to be with me again. i can't blame him, i broke up with him twice. i'd be scared too if i were in his shoes. but even though, we're just friends talking to each other for hours on the phone, it made me happy...to hear his voice, to hear him sing, to hear him laugh.

Sept-Oct 2006

i still didn't have a job. we were talking almost all the time even when he's at work. i think the only time we didn't talk or call each other was when it was time to sleep.

i created video of a collection of our pictures with the background song "smile at me" by rocksteddy. after showing it to him, he said it's another one of my "kalokohans". okaayy....i also asked my sister to come with me and look for a birthday gift for him. i got him a shirt. i dunno if he'll ever wear it though coz it's light blue. and it seems all he wears now is black.

i dunno but somehow, my parents noticed what's going on with me. my mom goes on a trip to the US every year for business. knowing she will be going there on october, my dad offered to treat me for the plane ticket just so i could go there and see him again. unfortunately, my visa application was denied. it hurt me....so much. he gave me some sort of ultimatum. that i should go there to prove my love to him.

it was also around this time when lars talked to me and offered me to work in the philippines with him and clarence. the salary is not so great compared to the salary i can get here in hong kong, but the position offered is good. after much consideration and discussion with my family, i decided to go for it. and he wasn't happy about it. he wanted me to stay here in hong kong.

october was when i finally went back to my home country to try a life of living by myself and providing for myself. i found myself a condo unit in eastwood. it's a studio type unit but it's the best and biggest one i've seen compared to the others i've checked. it's not too far from work either, takes about 15-20 minutes cab ride. what i really liked about it was it's accesibility to everything. you won't need a car. there's a grocery, a mall and so many restaurants just walking distance from your place. and there was a swimming pool and a gym.

i also got together with my college friends whom i missed sooo much. and what a great coincidence, phyl also came back to celebrate her birthday in the manila. we slept over at their new house in alabang. there were lots of food, swimming, dancing, singing and of course, endless stories of what we've been up to.

Nov-Dec 2006

my birthday month!! i spent my birthday at il ponticello bar in makati. only invited my close friends. although it didn't really go the way i expected like people moving around, dancing, mingling with others. we still had a blast. i enjoyed the night but was sad coz he didn't even greet me.

we started to drift apart for some reason. i dunno if it's because he got busy or maybe he still can't accept that i moved back to manila even though he didn't want me to. i still tried to talk to him, calling him, sending him IMs but for most times, we just ended up arguing. i even ended up crying in the office once, and he got mad at me. i felt so crappy by the way he was treating me, but i still wanted to hang on.

work was fine. there's a lot of things that needed to be changed. my cousin, rachelle, got in and started as a csr. she stays with me sometimes in my condo.

december...i spent christmas here in hong kong but can't be away from work for a long time so my sister and i decided to spend the new year in the philippines with tito sam and family. btw, i called to greet him both times but he didn't even sounded happy.

next memory challenge: 2007

my 2nd interview

2007-08-07T18:45:00.000+08:00

so i just got home from my 2nd interview, first one was yesterday. it's for a customer service post for an ecommerce company. i know i've told myself i would avoid taking customer service jobs as much as i can but this country doesn't leave me much of a choice.

so the interview... i got there early but another applicant came before me so they interviewed him first. and that other applicant was an old colleague. i forgot his name though, i'm not really good with names and we weren't exactly close. the interviewer was nice, and i forgot his name too *sigh*...anyway, i wish i get this job coz i'm getting really bored at home.

i'm so sleepy now, stayed up late last night hoping to talk to him but too scared to initiate the chat. was also waiting for him today to send me a message, but not even a 'hi' or a 'how are you' which made me feel hopeless again. but no, i'm not giving up. not this time.

anyway, i think i'll continue with my backtracking tonight.

a quest

2007-08-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

i have decided. i am going to win him back.

thanks to don that i have come to this realization. i've already given up on him before, i'm not going to do it again. if and when i win him back, i'm never letting him go. what have i got to lose anyway, right? that i would get hurt if i lose? i'd get hurt more if i don't even try.

wish me luck.

an intermission

2007-08-05T16:21:00.000+08:00

i know i said i'd be backtracking but i can't think straight. i can be melodramatic sometimes and this is one of those times. i may have forgotten how to be mad and how to hate.

in this day and age, are there still martyrs? aren't they being condemned? even by the people close to them? when is it time to give up? how do you know if something is worth fighting for?

those are only a few of the questions on my mind right now. and yes, i'm referring to matters of the heart. i have never been so confused in my entire life. i thought all decisions could be thought about and done overnight. my problem has been bothering me for almost two weeks now and i'm not close to finding the solution.

is it really worth fighting for? I guess only God knows the answer...

memory challenge

2007-08-05T12:44:00.000+08:00

so now, i've got to remember the things i've been doing since the last time i blogged. i don't remember much of 2005. i think that was the time when i really got addicted to playing MU and this was also the time when i met ian, my 3rd boyfriend. i met him online (again!) and we were good friends before we became a couple (if i remember it right, it was december of 2004). i got to know more people in MU through a guild i got into.

I really got into this game until december of 2005 when we, me and my friends, lost the interest in it. why? a lot of cheating happened within the game, with players, within the admin so we didn't want to waste our time anymore if we're just gonna be cheated.

holidays of 2005...hmm, i know we spent it in the Philippines, Christmas and new year in novaliches. ian even spent the new year with us. that's about it, all i can remember of 2005.

Blogging again?

2007-08-05T11:16:00.000+08:00

yep! i am back. well, i dunno if i can keep this thing updated but maybe i just feel like writing now and this might get forgotten again in a couple of months. anyway, why do i feel like writing? coz there's no one i can really talk to about my feelings. the only person i could talk to is in the Philippines and it's my cousin and best friend, rachelle.

i've been feeling depressed these past few days. i've been forcing myself to think that it's the boredom that's causing this depression. and that i miss a lot of people. i guess i'll write on this blog and backtrack on what i've been up to since i stopped blogging and maybe it will get my mind off things.

so what do i write about first? backtracking or what's been causing my depression? hmm...i guess the former. the whole point of me doing this again (blogging) is to keep myself distracted. so, i'll be posting about things i've been up to for the past year (whatever i can remember).

i am sick...sniff sniff

2005-03-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

i am sick...mentally? yeah...and for a long time, maybe since birth heheh.....physically sick?...uh-huh! started the other night, my throat's scratchy then the next morning, i got colds. and i had to absent myself from work coz i had fever this morning. i went to the doctor for a check-up and his diagnosis?..bronchitis...well, that sickness can be cured with medicine and enough rest.

but that's not the only sickness i have. i'm also sick of so many things...or maybe people. heheh just as peter said...i am sick of someone...that someone who made me believe and made me fall but never intended to catch me..*sigh*...i dunno how to cure that sickness.

and maybe i am struck with homesickness but not to worry, in just a few days, i'll be back in the philippines...my plans? partying all day and all night! hahahah..anyway, gotta get my vicks vaporub and roll of tissue and get back to bed. *sniff sniff*

long, long, long, looooooong time!

2005-03-11T16:46:00.000+08:00

i don't know where to start but i'm in the mood for some updates today. heheh. what have i been up to for the past month? let me see....i've started playing a new MMORPG called World of Warcraft with the persuasion of the guys at work, namely adrian, phil, vinze, dominic and michael. they were insulting the game that i've been playing (MU online Philippines) and said that i should play "a real game"...hahahah . so both pete and me started playing but i've been too lazy to play these past few days so i'm left behind now. and i don't get to play with them much coz we're different shifts waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *cry*

anyway, enuffa dat! i've felt so sad this week maybe coz i'm missing a lot of people. i miss the people i worked with in january and february. i miss the friends i've lost contact with.

i want to cry but why waste my tears? so instead i want to think happy thoughts and maybe it will make me fly...it worked for peter pan, i hope it works for me too...heheh (i am living in a fairy tale....i wish!! so i can live happily ever after with a prince charming...heheh) anyway, happy thoughts!! here are some "customer service anecdotes" as i would like to call it:

what we say on the phone...(what we say after):

1. thank you and have a nice day/evening!....(asshole!)
2. thank you for calling us, have a good day...(stupid customer! bla bla bla...then you immediately turn to your colleague to share the story)
3. on customer complaining about 30 minutes delay, say one moment please....(press hold button then let him wait for few more minutes coz he's friggin irritating)
4. i'm very sorry that your credit card has been declined, please make sure you enter the correct information...(uhmm, you are stupid, dumbass. you don't know your own information and you do it over and over for 10 times when it already says declined, oh and have i told you yet that you're stupid!!!)
5. furious customer calls: "someone stole my credit card info and placed an order with you guys!!!!" and the csr says: "we believe it was your son..."(how stupid can you be leaving your credit card lying around where your 15-yr old son can take it?)
5. customer wants to speak with supervisor...(pass the phone to the person beside you and voila! he's your supervisor for the day!)

what we say on chat...(what we're saying in person):

1. we will deliver your order in 15 minutes. thank you for being so patient...(go in game, wait and don't even think about coming back here in chat)
2. customer says he'll take his business somewhere else, we say, we are very sorry that you feel that way...(fine, have it your way, we know you'll come crawling back to us)
3. customer says "it's kinda late here, and i'm getting sleepy, how long til delivery?", we say "sorry for the delay bla bla bla"...(wtf were you thinking placing an order at this time?? and now you complain??)
4. is there anything else i can help you with?...(f*ck off! get the hell outta my chat!)

that's all for now. i know other companies' CSRs (customer service reps) can relate to these situations...or at least i know these are the situations we, guys at work, go through everyday. well, gotta go play my game now. i'll try to post more frequently.

the damsel in distress has awoken to post again..

2005-01-24T10:37:00.000+08:00

mood: lonely

hmm...haven't been posting for a while. quite busy with some other things (like playing MU). well, i don't really have the time to update this coz i'm in night shift and when i get home in the morning, i just sleep and i get too lazy to post something here again. anyway, i saw this essay on the web and just want to repost it here coz it touched me so deeply and i can relate to it sooo much. it's been posted to a lot of blogs and journals already, but i just want to share it also. here it goes:

What's a Meantime Girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable. She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a
front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won't be around.

Taken from the journal of Magouiser Boudreaux

YES, I AM A MEANTIME GIRL.

what movie?

2005-01-09T02:23:00.000+08:00

grr...am so bored and sleepy and i'm here at work. to prevent my eyes from completely shutting, been surfing on some websites, which am not supposed to do...heheh, but i'm soooo damn sleepy!! anyway, it's not that busy and everyone's just websurfing too.

so, been answering some quizzes and here's one of 'em:

You scored as Epic Fantasy. Congratulations, you kick a lot of ass and are pretty entertaining to be around. Who cares if you can speak most of the languages Middle Earth and haven been on a date with a real person in years, that what the internet is for. That, and playing hours and hours of Everquest. But seriously, you rock.

Epic Fantasy

70%

Action

60%

Foreign

45%

Epic Drama

45%

Romantic Comedy

40%

Bad movie

30%

What type of movie are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

liar liar, pants on fire

2005-01-04T08:11:00.000+08:00

mood: aggravated

what is it with men and their lies? i mean, why do they have to say things and not mean it. is it so hard to tell the truth? and the worst thing is, you've already caught them lying and yet they still make some dumb excuse to cover it up. some guys would tell you they'd call you but they never do. some guys would even promise something but don't even keep it...really sucks!! are they doing that thinking it would make us feel better? yeah...maybe it works sometimes...when they don't get caught. or maybe i'm just expecting too much from them...but there won't be anything to expect if they didn't promise anything, right?

so please, forgive me if i don't believe what guys tell me now. it's so hard for me to trust men. i've been lied to for so many times. i don't want to be played a fool again. i don't think i've ever met a guy who's totally honest...or maybe no such man exists? well, i'm not yet totally hopeless. i still believe there are guys who can say what they mean and mean what they say...but they're already extinct..

happy holidays...or not?

2004-12-31T13:57:00.000+08:00

i dunno what my mood is today. so i didn't put any.

anyway, tomorrow will be the start of 2005. for some, it's a time for new beginnings, or whatever. i am not feeling the spirit of the holiday season. christmas was just like any other day. it is not like how we used to spend it. of course, because our relatives are so far away. instead of playing with my little cousins and preparing for the noche buena, we were just watching tv and waiting until 12 am to go to church. instead of exchanging gifts with my cousins, titas and titos and lolas and lolos, there were only 5 of us here. instead of seeing so many people running around the house, laughing, opening up presents, it was soo quiet here. i even had to sleep early coz i have to go to work the next day.

now, new year's eve. i've asked my folks if they have plans for later, but no plans yet. just stay at home and enjoy a small new year's feast. but my friends are asking me to go out and i am tempted to join them. but then it is freeezing outside! today it's 8° here. it's even colder than the other countries where they have snow. the weather is making me feel too lazy to go out.

*sigh* i don't think i'd ever want to spend christmas and new year here again...

time heals all wounds...or so they say

2004-12-20T17:04:00.000+08:00

mood: inconsolable

i am hurt. i am blue. i am aching. i am miserable. i am in agony. i am crestfallen. i am disturbed. i am gloomy. i am harmed. i am burned. i am depressed. i am mournful. i am forlorn. i am distressed. i am tormented. i am scarred. i am lonely. i am crushed. i am sad. i am in pain. i am unhappy. i am inconsolable.

i hope what i did was right or at least what was best for the situation. i know i would regret it sooner or later...or probably regretting it right now. maybe sometimes you have to do something wrong just so you can make things right. i have never felt so resentful. and though i am suffering through loneliness now, i know it will all pass....i hope it does...

on this cold december afternoon...

2004-12-10T14:09:00.000+08:00

mood: weary

it's been soooo loooong since my last update. it's already the 10th of December and only a few days til christmas...*sigh*...we're not going home for christmas. i haven't done any christmas shopping yet...help!!!! it's already soooo cold here now. sometimes i don't want to get up in the morning, just wanna stay in bed and sleep. this weather is good for sleeping...heheh

so anyway, we had the train the trainer course yesterday at work. we didn't have to show up at work in the morning coz the training starts at 12 nn. the training was fun and insightful. i learned somethings about myself and about my co-workers. it ended around 9. it's a 2-day training course, so the first day was yesterday and 2nd one will be next thursday. it was really weird yesterday coz most of the people attending the course were in their smart casual attire. hahah...

so after that, we went out...i went out with the guys..(guys!!! i was the only girl...waaaahhh..)...went out with rick, lars, aaron, jason, michael, rony, clarence and becks...first, we went to east end brewery (this bar near our building), then we went to aaron's place to drink some more (except for rick and becks who went to wanchai...to look for girls ). aaron mixed this drink for me and also gave me a bottle of smirnoff ice but i didn't get to finish those drinks because I DON'T DRINK!...heheh ...just wanted to go dancing!!!!! so, i think it was around 1:30 when we left aaron's place and went to wanchai. we went to this bar and just sat down, had some more drinks (they...not me!) and played this dice game and jason's friends sasha and harry joined us (good!! not the only girl anymore). grrr....i want to go dancing!!!! we went to fenwick at around 4 am...and went dancing..yeah!! and lars was missing by this time. hmmm...heheh! so, stayed there until 6. we had to leave coz the place was closing already...hahah. i left the guys coz i really need to go home or else my folks will kill me.

wanna go back to sleep now...

photo album updated

2004-11-28T18:12:00.000+08:00

heh...nothing to write about, just thought of putting up more pictures on my photo album...added some pixies with my friends. i've been planning on updating that album but...yes, you're right, i got too lazy to do it. so it's only now that i've updated. if you know the url, then good for you! but if you don't, it's your loss..hahahah..but you can click on somewhere on this page and it will bring you to that url...hahah...finders keepers, losers suck! (eh?) yes, i'm crazy...as always!! ta-tah!

what happened to my life?

2004-11-26T17:42:00.000+08:00

mood: bored
hayyyy.....i feel like my life is soo dull. haven't been updating because everytime i start to write a new post, i end up procrastinating. i am getting too lazy! hahah...i start a few sentences then it ends up getting deleted. instead, i end up playing MU..hahah! i dunno why i got so addicted to this game. so, what have i been up to within a week? nothing much!!! as i've said my life had become so dull!!!...except last tuesday. i went to a karaoke lounge (i think) with fiona, frank, kanis, clarence, lars, angelo, becks and ming...we stayed there until 8:30 pm. they were planning on going to a bar afterwards but then we decided to have dinner at KFC first. lars got a bit tipsy (according to clarence) but i think he was so wasted that night. and to our enjoyment, he was talking about so many things that didn't make any sense but was so funny. he was hugging angelo and my becks ...and when someone teases him, he replies with "i love you too"..then he started speaking norwegian, which none of us can understand so we were just laughing at him ...(fyi: he didn't remember much of what happened that night when he got to work the next morning)...anyway, 'nuff of lars, this isn't his blog!!

anyway, this week, i suddenly got this feeling of homesickness. just the thought of not being able to go home for christmas makes me really sad!!! we've tried spending christmas here once and it was really really sad. i miss my friends!! i miss my cousins!!! i miss the nightlife in the philippines!!! i miss my country!!! (never thought i'd be saying that one day)...but really!! i do!! i miss waking up at around 11 am, and not getting up from bed. the first thing i look for is the remote control then i turn on the television...don't get up til around 1 or 2 pm to wash up and then get go to the kitchen to get something to eat for lunch, then go back to my room and eat lunch while watching tv. yup, that's me...really lazy.

that's how i'm feeling now...laziness, so imma end this now, hahahah...i'll try to add more next time and update this blog more...if i don't get too lazy..maybe it's the weather that's causing this...it's so cold now that it's making me sleepy...

feelings of resentment....sigh

2004-11-20T14:59:00.000+08:00

mood: abashed

i woke up late today coz i went home from partying just this morning. okay, we went out last night for like an extended birthday celebration. went to insomnia and stayed there until 6 am, i think. i really had fun the whole time we were there. but then when i woke up this afternoon, there's this sudden feeling of sadness that came over me. thinking about what happened last night and the things i did...makes me feel regretful. though i really had a great time last night, now i'm feeling really sorry for myself, for the people i was with. i dunno what came over me last night. there's no logical excuse for my actions. well, nothing i can do now, but just to brood over it...*sigh* i feel like i just want to stay in bed for the whole day or for my whole life...i don't want to go to work tomorrow, i want to take a sick leave...damn! i hate this feeling...someone kill me now!! 22 years of living (or suffering) is enough...end my life now!

a day to celebrate? a day to contemplate?

2004-11-17T17:17:00.000+08:00

mood: complacent

go shawty, it's ma bday, we gon' partee like it's ma bday...heheh

22 years ago, on the 17th of November, around 7 o'clock pm, i was born...hell yeah! one more bitch to conquer the world..lol ...so, it's my birthday and yes, i still have to go to work, damn i should have taken a day off, and do what? stay at home and watch TV? nooo...but how do i celebrate another year that i've been blessed to still be alive? or maybe punished to suffer the wrath of this world??...i think both .. but i'm planning to go out later with some friends (i hope they come...or it'll be so sad to be celebrating alone..) i wanna partee all night!!

anyway, here's the list of the peeps who've remembered my birthday..so far..

1) maianne - sent me like an early greeting message on friendster
2) rhen - also early greeting on ym
3) winnie - sent me a greeting card one day advanced
4) becks - sent me an sms message 15 minutes early
5) tita glenda and ate - coz we were watching TV then they saw that it was already 12 o'clock
6) phyl - sent me an sms greeting all the way from US!!!...sweet!!
7) mum - woke up early and gave me a kiss
8) clarence - wasn't even sure that today is my bday
9) raymond - wow! so unexpected that he'd greet me
10) june, wing, kong - they even got me a cake and a doraemon candy and sang happy bday for me...thanks guys!!! i'll never forget such a nice gesture! and june sent me a greeting card...so sweet of her
11) jason wong - also unexpected
12) lot and philip - damn! they left the office shouting "happy birthday mae" like announcing it to everyone....grrr!!
13)fiona - sent me a message on icq
14) frank - sent me icq message
15) diddy - sent me an sms greeting with sweet message..
16) john deb - also unexpected
17) james - sms...sent the exact same message 3 times
18) flora - of course, teased me again, crazy girl!!
19) tito sam - how can he forget...we share the same birthday..
20) aira - crazy greeting!!
21) phyl - gave me a call!!! so sweet!!!! i miss this girl sooo much!!!
22) lette - *beso-beso* after the greeting...heheh...sweet!
23) jason a - hahahah...asking for a treat
24) adrian - shook my hand like he was running for the elections or something..hahah!
25) angelo - thought my birthday was on the 19th..lol

and here are the peeps who sent me birthday greetings on friendster:

1) maianne
2) jeff - so unexpected
3) voltaire
4) jigs
5) tara - also unexpected..haven't spoken to her for a loooong time
6) peter
7) marian - she's got a good memory of birthdates...

so there you go...just a few people..and the other peeps whom i've been expecting to greet me...didn't, *sigh*...makes me feel bad...and this day is about to end, but i don't feel like it's something special. not even sure if we're goin out tonight and celebrate..it's just like any ordinary day...should i be expecting something more?...i think not...*sigh*

and 16 days later...

2004-11-07T19:02:00.000+08:00

mood: optimistic

it's been a loooooooong time since my last update. it's just that everytime i logon and try to update this, i end up saving a draft instead. so expect this to be long coz a lot have happened since my last update.

so, it's been really busy at work recently. we're trying out some new chat program and upgrading a lot of things. lots of new stuff and new people coz the company's expanding. this month i'm still in the morning shift which is good so i won't have a hard time adjusting to another time. last October 30, we had a company bbq at yuen long (sooo far so the travel was sooo long!!!) and it was fun, though it was just for a few hours. i'll be posting the pictures on my photo album soon. anyway, i think i'm starting to get used to this call center thing but i still prefer doing the chats though. whichever i'm gonna be assigned at is fine with me. so, i got to bond with james more coz i was the only filipino csr in the morning last month. now we also have clarence, so there's three of us. (yey!!!) heheh.

anyway, just bought a new phone. i dunno why i even bought a new model, it's useless for me here. only my family calls me, only to check on me and tell me to come home right away! (hehehe..been going home late recently) i just wanted to change coz i feel like my 3650's already ancient. so i bought the 6260, i'm a nokia fan, don't want any other..heheh (hmm...maybe sony ericsson) and my sister also bought one, 2 days later. i've been wanting to buy a new phone but the one i liked before was the 7610, then i saw this 6260 on the nokia website and i decided to wait for the release instead.

anyway, the weather's really starting to get cold now. so i went shopping for more winter clothes. and now i'm like four to five thousand dollars poorer (including the cellphone, i'm not gonna be spending almost five thousand dollars on just clothes!!!) but i just got my paycheck for the miss asia pageant promotion, so that's where i got the money to buy meself a new phone. so i've got lots of jackets now but i still want to buy some shirts, maybe next month though coz i've exceeded my spending limit for myself..heheh.

what else...oh and tito freddie came to visit, but he only stayed for a day. came here friday night then went back to the US on saturday night. he should be back there by now. so yesterday we went to stanley to show him around there coz he's never been there before. shopping again for me!!!! then we went to wanchai at 298 coz he wants to buy mp3 players. i bought a 128 mb MMC!!! grrr...gotta stop spending, mae!!! and i have this fascination for Doraemon stuff recently. i now have slippers, spoon and fork, a mug, card protection case and lots of cellphone accessories...i'd like to buy more and collect more Doraemon stuff!

so, my birthday is coming soon. i'm scared, coz everytime my birthday comes, i get sick...i don't know why. i hope i don't get sick this time. i already got some early birthday presents. my sister gave me a star bracelet and a pair of star earrings!!! then my mom bought me a new pair of jeans.

i'm feeling a bit sleepy, i'm just gonna leave it up to here for now.

coz i'm a girl...

2004-10-22T21:34:00.000+08:00

mood: amorous
so, it's been a while but not much happened with me. well, something good happened, got my problems fixed and i am now feeling happier than before...i think. i'm a bit sentimental these days..

just got home from the hospital. my sister's been confined there since wednesday morning for possible appendectomy. However, after three days, they still haven't diagnosed what she has. Ironically, she's feeling much better now and is very anxious to go home and go partying. first thing on her list of things to do after leaving the hospital is to go shopping..hahah!!

so, yesterday was my off from work. i just stayed home and watched TV all day. and i watched "Windstruck", thanks to aira for giving us a copy of that. it was really, really nice. but the story kind of ended in a weird way. it's one of those movies that you don't know when the movie will end. you never know what to expect. there was one really sad part where they played this song that sounded really familiar to me. turns out it was Tears by X Japan . anyway, i think it was so appropriate for the scene and was effective in bringing out the viewer's emotions...okay, to make us viewers cry!!!! so after watching, i downloaded the song and i remembered i wanted to download the song from this korean series "Endless Love" (Autumn In My Heart) so i searched for it relentlessly for almost 4 hours. i wanted to download the song "Reason" but i only got the mp3 of "Blue" and the midis of both songs. i also remembered this sad sad video i got to watch before, thanks to aira again. all i remember was it was something something Kiss and there was this girl and a photographer..blah blah blah. til i found out that its title was "Because I'm a Girl". i downloaded the video and mp3 and i watched the video over and over again with endless sighs. now i have the lyrics and mp3 in both english and korean versions. i read in a forum that there are many more versions of this song...hmm, i wonder where i can get those. anyway, if you guys want the video or mp3 or whatever, just email me.

hmm...i think this update is long enough. i'll think of something more to write about later. i have to take a shower...bye!

i'm turning japanese...i really think so =P

2004-10-19T19:54:00.000+08:00

mood: indifferent
just got home a few minutes ago. came from causeway bay, played in the arcade with some guys from IGE. i ate dinner right away. now, just listening to the bonus cd included with "The Diary of Alicia Keys" album. bought this cd last friday but it's only now that i got to listen to it. i dunno, just been sleeping these past few days. i guess i'm just trying to take my mind off that problem that's been bugging me still. anyway, i have to stay awake tonight coz i got to do this assignment we have for the japanese classes tomorrow. i actually find it interesting to learn.

so, lately, i have this thing for edison chen. started since i saw him at the alicia keys concert but not as much as i like alex band. but i think if i see him in person again like standing in front of me, i'd ask him if i can be his girlfriend...hahah!!! i know he already gets that from a lot of women. coz he's sooo fine!!

anyway, got nothin much to write about and i really have to start working on that assignment...

Grrrrrrr.........(curse this life!)

2004-10-16T22:25:00.000+08:00

mood: infuriated
damn! i finally got to this page. i had a hard time getting it loaded. i always get to an error page. anyway, so i'm not exactly sure how i'm feeling right at this moment but it's not good. i have like mixed feelings of sadness and anger, but anger is far more superior now. maybe i'm feeling sad because i don't know where my anger is coming from?!? shouldn't i be like confused? oh now i am...

so my day started fine, just the way it is every morning. until i got on the mtr...i didn't see anyone from work, which is kinda weird, then walking from the station til i get to our building, still didn't see any officemate...i was starting to freak out like there's something wrong, until i get to that footbridge connecting oxford house and the other buildings. i felt relieved to see lars and frank getting off a cab (of course they're not together in one cab). i was assigned at the call center today, didn't get much calls, so was doing the chats. lunch time, kenny, kong and june were teaching me some cantonese words. unfortunately, i didn't get to absorb much coz i don't think my mind was working properly then. after work, i spent some time walking around in central with becks because he had some time to waste and doesn't want to go home yet. we spent so much time in the swarovzski shop staring at all those crystal stuff they had for sale. he bought some stuff for his gf, while i was planning on the stuff imma buy for my future house..hahahah!! coz they had this vase that was sooooo nice!!! sooo cool!! and i really wanna buy it! and they also have these wine glasses and goblets with crystals in the "stem or body"(whatever you call that part). wouldn't it be so cool to host a cocktail party then your wine/champagne glasses are like that???

anyway, i got home and that's when i started feeling this way. first, my sister was like blaming me or something for not going to ocean park with them just cause i'm going out tonight with the guys from IGE. well, i just don't feel like spending almost 300 bucks for that. so now, waiting for the time, and still thinking if i should go out tonight or what. don't have anything to wear again. i need something to hide these rashes damn. to go, or not to go....carpe diem!

ooh, and i bought my avril cd's yesterday!!!! soooooo nice!!!!!

ang buhay ko parang isang teleserye o romantic movie -- pinoy style...tanginang pag-ibig yan, nauso pa!

nothing can stop me..hahah

2004-10-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

mood: sleepy
i'm sleepy, want to go to bed but i can't, coz my hair is still wet so i decided to update this.

it was my off today so i just slept the whole day. maybe coz i was exhausted from last night. went to mongkok to meet my sister and friends to go shopping. well, i didn't get to buy much stuff, just food!! snacks and cookies, hahah! and this pig-shaped ashtray just to tease tita glenda. then i left early to go home and change my clothes to go clubbing. hard to choose what to wear coz i have to hide these damn rashes. and since most of my party clothes are kind of revealing, i borrowed one of my sister's long-sleeved tops. (nothing can stop me from clubbing!!) so, i went to insomnia at lan kwai fong to meet carol and her friends. stayed there for a few hours. and though i was warned by the derma not to have any alcoholic drinks, carol forced me to drink..and i succumbed! i think it was around 2 am when we went to venue at wan chai to meet clarence and jason. it was my first time at that bar and i give it two thumbs up but carol had to leave early with some unconvincing reason that her mom doesn't have a key so she needs to go home. anyway, june was also there and she introduced me to her friends and to this boy she likes anyway, so stayed there for a while waiting for some good music to dance to. few minutes later, i saw kubi enter the club. (is this the extension of IGE office?!? hahah) anyway, jason had to leave early too coz his girlfriend is getting furious. it was around 3:30 when clarence and i left to eat some 'goto'..waaahh! how i missed it!! i think the last time i had some 'goto' was during the 'simbang gabi'. so, i got home around 4 am and fell asleep right away.

anyway, i think i got to meet a lot of people last night. carol's friends: trixie, the other girl i forgot the name, this guy they were with, alwin(the dj in insomnia who happens to be carol's ex-bf); june's friends: i don't remember the names...only phyllis(?) and janice and this boy she likes but i don't remember the name; jason's kinakapatid...hmmm, i used to be good at remembering names..what happened to me???

and here's what's been causing chaos at work: damn PayPal!!

i think it's time for me to sleep now, don't wanna be late tomorrow..

japanese lessons and pityriasis rosea

2004-10-13T15:25:00.000+08:00

i'm still here in the office, waiting for the japanese lessons which should start in around 17 minutes. got nothing else to do so decided to update this blog. i wanted to update last night but i fell asleep right after we came home from the dermatologist.

anyway, here's the diagnosis of the dermatologist: i have a skin disorder called Pityriasis Rosea. i've researched about it and here's what i found out...first of all, it is NOT CONTAGIOUS!! anyone can get it but it is most common in people ages 10 to 35. it most oftenly occurs during the autumn season (so we are right that it's the weather change that's causing this). it starts with a few rashes until it gradually spreads throughout your body after a few days. although, unexplainably, it does not reach your palms, feet or your face (like what i'm experiencing now). this thing is known to last for six weeks to months!!!(baahh! i've just had it for two weeks and i'm already complaining!!) there is no known treatment for this because it disappears by itself after it has occupied your body long enough. the best thing to have would be antihistamines and anti-itch cream to help ease the itchiness (yeah, that's what the derma gave me). and most likely, once you've had it, it won't happen to you again. and it's all just rashes and itchiness, doesn't come with a fever or anything else. well, after knowing what it was and that i'm not alone in the world who has this and that in fact, it's a common disorder, i suddenly felt relieved. but it's such a disappointment that it lasts for sooo long!! six weeks or more!!?!?! i hate this!! *sigh*..i hope it disappears sooner. i don't want to be scratching anymore!!! and i hope it doesn't leave any scars on my skin. and bad news!! there's a modelling stint this sunday for manel's products(shoes, bags..i'm not sure) and i'm supposed to be there but i can't coz i have these damn rashes!!! waaahhh!!!!

so...there! anyway, i think it's the first time i've met a guy who's so vain that it bothers him so much when a single strand of his hair is not in place. yes, that's you becks! this part of my blog is dedicated to you. you should be flattered! he's extremely conscious of how he looks. just because the wind blew some strand of his hair out of its place, he becomes so restless about it. it bothers him that his belt is not fixed the way he wants it. and just a teeny tiny drop of soy sauce on his shirt makes him so blue. it takes him a very long time to get his hair fixed that it's causing him to be running late for work sometimes. it worries him that his pants doesn't go with his shoes or something. i know this is very common...for girls!!!! not for guys, so i'm wondering why? why? why? i'm thinking maybe he has the obsessive compulsive disorder..hahah

that's about it...and i'm going to mongkok tonight..ciao!

missing my care bears...

2004-10-09T20:49:00.000+08:00

just got home a few hours ago. went to tst with my sister. it was hella busy at work today!!! never been that busy in the whole history of my workin for IGE..damn! and i was the only one assigned at the call center. just after putting down the phone, no time to even work on the order of the previous caller, you'll hear the phone ringing again...and also the live chat's alert for incoming chat is a ringing sound..can you imagine how irritating that was to be hearing so much ringing for the entire of 8 hours? good thing most of the customers were understanding..except for two, one who called and one i talked to on chat. grrr...bitching about a few minutes of delay when the other customers have been waiting for hours!!!

anyway, so me and Carol left the office early. she needs to meet her husband to drop him off at the airport coz he's going back to the philippines. and i need to meet my sister coz we have a date. we went to ocean terminal to look around, i need clothes for the winter!!!! i easily feel cold and i came from a very hot country so all my clothes aren't gonna keep me warm enough when winter comes. hmm..and we had this conclusion (sort of) that these allergies are caused by the sudden change of weather. and my rashes are kinda healing, by the way. it's not that itchy anymore.

so, we went to ocean terminal and ate at this cafe i've been craving for since the first time i knew there was such a cafe that existed...strawberry forever!!!! I LOVE STRAWBERRIES!!!! i'm sooo in love with strawberries!! so after that, we just looked around, bought some candies...hahah we bought bertie bott's every flavored beans!! cool!!! then we looked at some fun stuff. they have a lot of stuff here that i don't see the purpose for but are fun to look at and go tinkering with..heheh. anyway, last stop, toys r us. we somehow felt like kids again..heheh...was actually looking for some spongebob stuff. unfortunately, spongebob is not so popular here so we didn't find any. but, we found something that i really wanted to buy!!!! a care bear stuffed toy!!!!! we saw some talking cheer bear, bedtime bear and funshine bear toy and some stuffed cheer bear and good luck bear. i want to buy a care bear stuffed toy but the one there was too small that i might squish it when i hug it. i want a huggable stuffed care bear!!!!!!! *sigh* i can't even remember when i last watched a care bear cartoon show. i was probably still a little girl..i miss care bears!!!!!!!

evil! har har har!

2004-10-07T13:56:00.000+08:00

hmm...i just tried this test out..i was expecting my score would be higher than 44%...oh well, i guess i'm not that evil after all! hahahah!

I am 44% evil.

I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

alicia keys fever!!

2004-10-04T01:50:00.000+08:00

i know..it's soo late and i have to wake up in 4 hours to get to work..but i guess i still have some energy left to update this blog. and i got the hangover from the concert. it's been like 3 hours since it finished but i still can't get it off my mind. i thought it was great..was really worth the money i spent. love the voice!! though i can't really see her face. i really enjoyed the concert!!

anyway, it's been two days since my last update. so what have i been up to? well, at work, i've been assigned to the newly set up call center. and since it's new, we don't receive calls yet...and yeah, i'm dying of boredom!!! just sitting there all alone with no one to talk to...like i'm an outcast who's got some kind of virus (oh but i do, i still got these friggin rashes!! grrr!!)... good thing tomorrow, i mean later, angelo will be taking my place and i will be back to doing chats..yeah!!

gotta get some sleep...

"...i won't tell your secrets. your secrets are safe with me. i will keep your secrets. just think of me as the pages in your diary..."

things will go my way....

2004-10-01T21:08:00.000+08:00

okay, i don't know where to start..let's backtrack. i just got out of the shower and these rashes are really irritating!! it's spreading more all over my body, just when i started drinking medicine. i went to the doctor yesterday and he gave me medicineS for it and also cream, but i'm not sure if it's supposed to take effect already because, i don't see that happening anytime soon. it's like these rashes felt so at home with my body that they don't want to go away..grrr...

anyway, i'm a morning person now. yey!! it's so great to be back in the morning shift. i think this is the shift where you can actually get a life..hmm, a social life, i mean..coz you got more time to do something else after work. like you get more leisure time in your hand. like what we had this afternoon. i got home late coz we went to play some games at the arcade (me, becks, wing and xulie), well they played this car racing game but i just watched. i played two rounds of xmen vs streetfighter with wing and as expected, i lost!

anyway, i had a haircut last night, and i like it. coz it's not very often that the hairstylist understands what style i really want. actually, it doesn't seem too different than before, i just had it layered. only the people who really knows me noticed that i had a haircut. and also last night while listening to some songs, i fell in love once again to alex band's voice!! (yeah that's how i got the title for this blog coz i drafted this last night and didn't get to finish coz first, my mom kicked me off the other pc and then my sis used the other one so no PC left for me to use. anyway, alex band!!!! i can imagine him serenading me...makes my heart melt!!

and i also spent so much time helping JM fix his blog page. heheh (swerte mo JM, mabait ako kahapon). aarrgh..tomorrow might be the day i fear, call center might be set up and i'm gonna be assigned there..but i don't want to!!! *sniff sniff*...anyway, gotta sleep early. well, i wrote a lot this time..that's all for now!

"for all the lies i've tasted, just loooking for the truth. for all the dreams i'm chasing, well what am i to do. when everything's against me and the answers are all wrong. i'm hopin' that i find out it was worth it all along. so hold me now, and say its not forever, cause maybe someday, in time, things will go my way"

in solitary mood...

2004-09-29T08:45:00.000+08:00

i just got home from work and i'm waiting for my toasts to be done so i can eat breakfast. i got to meet lot's wife today at the mtr and i think she's really nice. anyway, it was not busy at work last night but i didn't feel sleepy at all...though i was really quiet sitting there in front of my computer...except for the times that i teased flora...but for the entire time, i was just sitting there, working quietly. even I thought it was kinda strange of me, i don't know why...but for some unexplainable reason, i didn't feel like it was the same crazy, cheerful, noisy mae who was there last night...hope this'll all change soon, that's what i've been telling myself the whole night but it didn't work, i think it even became worse...*sigh*

grr...these rashes are so irritating...i want to scratch it but i can't!!!! and i think it's even spreading throughout my body..i gotta get this checked up, i wonder what i'm allergic to and how i got this..hrm...gotta eat breakfast

what a day..

2004-09-25T15:30:00.000+08:00

wow, i haven't been updating this. coz i got really addicted to this game MU online that last friday i just played the whole day and didn't get enough sleep so the whole time i was at work, i was feeling sleepy...grr, gotta do something with this new addiction!! but of course i'll still play later after updating this..heheh..

anyway, i got home kinda late coz we had a meeting after work then we watched "The Terminal". it's a nice film..as all Tom Hanks films are.

o happy day...

2004-09-21T13:17:00.000+08:00

i just got home...and i know it's soo late! i should be sleeping by now..after work, we went for breakfast then went to causeway bay and played snooker with michael, andy, clarence, becks and him..well, they played, i just watched and teased andy coz he's such a bad player! it was fun, though i was just watching them play..at least i know the rules now!! but i still dunno how much the points are for each ball..oh well, i'll learn it later on..

toasts and egg, plus strawberry jam

2004-09-20T09:45:00.000+08:00

just got home from work. it's one of those days when i arrive home and i find the house deserted, everyone's gone off to work, when i'm just getting home from work (that's what you get for a company that's open 24/7!!)we stopped by mcdonald's to eat breakfast but i wasn't feeling hungry then..hunger came to me just now...just toasting some bread and got my sunny-side-up cooked egg ready plus strawberry jam!!! i love strawberry!!

i haven't updated this for two days, i think, coz for the past days, i fall asleep right away when i get home. i guess i'm becoming too lazy, but then, even if i got enough sleep, i still feel sleepy at work..hmm...i gotta change this habit, so, imma watch tv first...

and some more whining...

2004-09-17T08:30:00.000+08:00

i woke up early today..around 7 am, i dunno why..maybe my body got accustomed to be up and active during this time. just checked my mail and it made me soo sad!!! i think my college friends already forgot about me ...i sent them an email before but it's like they didn't even notice..so sad..and yet i miss them so much!! i miss my 4i2 family!! anyway, enough of all that drama...i want to eat!!! eat a sunny-side up egg and toast!! but we got no more eggs and i'm too lazy to go down and buy some...hmm, i don't think imma need some sleep today..gah!! i overslept yesterday...i'm really livin like a pig now!! ..but when i woke up this morning, i was not feeling well, i hope it gets better within the day coz i don't wanna go on sick leave tonight. and i wanna go out and go shopping, buy some new shoes and clothes..hmm, i'm really hungry!!! gotta eat first..ciao!

Alicia Keys - Dragon Days

2004-09-16T01:11:00.000+08:00

i was checking out Alicia Keys' new album, "The Diary of Alicia Keys" when i heard this really nice song:

Dragon Days - Alicia Keys

Like a damsel in distress / I'm stressin you / My castle became a dungeon / Cause I'm longing for you / Feeling strong for you / You, my knight in shining armor / See your face in a silver moon / All over the lagoon and it feels like...

Dragon Days / And the fire's hot / Like the desert needs water / I need you alot / Dragon days...I need to be saved / I'm missin you / And the days drag on..

Desparate for you baby / Do you know what that means / I feel like an addict must feel / When he feigns / In an act of desparation / I get lost in my dreams / Cause like a lady in waitin / I'm waitin for you / Prisoner tied over alligator water / Waitin for my prince of paradise / To come and take me away from these /

Don't you wanna play...

First time i heard it and it already caught my attention...excitement for the Alicia Keys concert came to me again!! anyway, gotta get back to work now..

~damsel in distress~

another day..

2004-09-15T09:41:00.000+08:00

as usual, just got home from work. it wasn't so busy today, i had to do the phone verifications and cold calling, which i really hate coz it's soo boring. i'd rather do the chatting. so, on my spare minutes, i practiced writing some chinese words i just learned, i can say there's a little improvement now but i can't write it without copying from something..heheh..i know, i cheat! which according to flora, that is "magdaya" and i corrected her, should be "madaya" but she insists her word is the correct one..well, what do i know? i'm the filipino here!..

good morning sunshine

2004-09-14T14:26:00.000+08:00

hmm..it's kinda weird. actually, the sun was already up when i went to sleep. here's what happened: when i got home from work, at around 10:20 am, i checked my mail, then dropped down on the bed, the next thing i remember is waking up and shielding my eyes from the sunlight and when i looked at the time, it was already 1:30 pm...lol, my schedule this month is gonna be this crazy..working at night and sleeping during the day..i'm like a vampire now.. ..i'm not feeling sleepy anymore. well, go figure!

oh, i found my octopus card! yey! something to be happy about! it was so infuriating that i can't find it in my bag last night ..so where was it? i left it in the pocket of my jeans yesterday! dohh!! how come i'm turning into a stupid girl all of a sudden?

the

secret

girl

"..you stupid girl, all you had you wasted, what drives you on, can drive you mad, a million lies to sell yourself, is all you ever had.."

neoprints

2004-09-13T21:40:00.000+08:00

these are my friends at work, IGE. these neos were taken last august 31. we had this after the going away dinner for kenneth. unfortunately we are missing two guys, wing and becks, coz they were too busy playing games

the girls: me, amanda, june

the boys: fui, kong, kenneth

proud to be pinoy

2004-09-13T08:57:00.000+08:00

hmm...napag-isip-isip ko kagabi na bakit ba hindi ko gawing tagalog ang pinopost ko dito..heheh...para maiba naman. at gusto kong mang-asar sa mga taong nagche-check ng blog ko na hindi nakakaintindi ng tagalog. chaca shempre pinoy ako at pinagmamalaki kong pinoy ako. kakadating ko lang ng bahay galing sa trabaho...hmm..ano pa bang nangyari? grabe!!! ang onti naming admin kagabi sa trabaho!! buti na lang di mashadong busy. ang daming may sakit, takot ako baka magkasakit din ako, wag naman sana. tama na ang kalaliman na 'to, nakapang-asar na ko heheh..

oh!! i found a lot of blog skins that i would like to try out...hmm, this shall be my new project...

..who can say where the road goes..

..where the day flows..

..only time..

i do believe in fairies clap clap

2004-09-12T08:53:00.000+08:00

hmm..i suddenly got this thing for fairies, i dunno why...maybe i was a fairy in my past life or i will be one in my next life....wow!! that'd be really nice!! anyway, just got home from work. just want to write something here first coz i'm trying to keep this going...heheh..m doing a good job so far. i found out last night that pig wing! is also checking my blogs heheh..i wanted to check out his blog but i can't read chinese!!!! waaahhh!!!! i will put that down as one of my goals (learn chinese, mae!!)

anyway, gotta eat breakfast now and take a bath...hafta leave for church in an hour...this is all for now, i will think of more stuff to write about later..ta-tah!!

"Of all the minor creatures of mythology, fairies are the most beautiful, the most numerous, the most memorable." ~Andrew Lang~

one lazy afternoon...

2004-09-11T14:36:00.000+08:00

we got tickets to the alicia keys concert!! oh yeah! i'm so excited to watch her concert...now i gotta get this excitement out of me, don't wanna be expecting too much then when that day comes, it doesn't turn out to be the way i expected it..that's what happens when i get too agitated. ahh...i'm listening to the remix of "If I Ain't Got You" by Usher and Alicia Keys, it is soooo nice!!! thanks to michael, for introducing it to me.

i got home late from work coz we went for breakfast then to the arcade..hmm, i didn't eat breakfast and i didn't play any game...lol

now i gotta learn how to make my blog prettier(?!) lol...bye for now!

---this is me sleepy..

"some people want it all, but i don't want nothing at all if it aint you baby, if i aint got you baby. some people want diamond rings, some just want everything but everything means nothing if i aint got you"

photo album update

2004-09-10T13:05:00.000+08:00

just updated my photo album on yahoo, fashi0n1sta..you'll see here how much i love photos!!! i've got tons of them on my phone, on our PCs and some are on cds...heheh...love them photos..

"i wanna be a supermodel"

2004-09-10T10:09:00.000+08:00

i woke up pretty early today...around 8 am. was day-off last night but didn't get to go out..i'm getting too lazy nowadays. i ate breakfast then just went ahead to the couch, turned on the tv and clicked away with the remote. here i am.. a couch potato again!! no good movie shown on tv so i ended up watching FTV instead. and yeah! that's how it suddenly hit me...well, maybe not suddenly as it's always been my dream...but i got reminded of it while watching these models strut their stuff on the runway. i want to be a ramp model!!!!! grrr...i can't be...i'm too short!!! 5'5" ain't enough to be ramp model.. damn! how can i grow taller???? i wanna grow taller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmm..i don't want to stay home today..wanna go shopping!!!

"..i don't care what my teacher says, i'm gonna be a supermodel and everyone is gonna dress like me, wait and see when i'm a supermodel..."

i've done some serious thinking..

2004-09-08T09:57:00.000+08:00

it's rare that i do some serious thinking and now is one of those few times..(boyz ii men's end of the road playing in the background...coincidence? i don't think so)

anyways, this concerns the "problems of the heart" that i have. i've made a decision..i have to stop this before it turns out to a bigger mess than what it is right now. i know it will be hard..but nothing's too easy in this world. this is something i need to figure out on my own. something i've been thinking about and i've been trying to do for months but never had the courage to. it's time to move on...choose the path where i'll be happier...that doesn't mean i'm selfish, does it? i'm still young anyways..

hope there won't be any regrets after this...

..you've got to get yourself together, you've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it. don't say that later will be better, now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it..

monday madness

2004-09-07T08:38:00.000+08:00

i just got home from work, i haven't changed my clothes yet..just wanted to write something here..my eyes are kinda tired..like i wanna keep it closed but i'm not feeling sleepy yet...

nothing really special happened at work today...i just got really bummed with FF*. just when you're enjoying some time with your friends, here comes that f*ckin guy...always messing things up...and worst..he even sits on the same table with us..didn't he even notice that we don't want him there...grrrr!!!

* FF is the guy most of the people at work really hate!! he's got a F*ck Face that's why we call him that

ta-tah for now..

look who's alive, alert, awake, enthusiastic!

2004-09-06T10:00:00.000+08:00

*yawn*...i just got home from work. i'm actually not that sleepy compared to the other days. the days before, as soon as i get home, i'd fall asleep right away, but now i still got some little energy left. maybe watch tv or something...

john, our boss, asked to speak with me last night. i was soo scared. i was thinking like..ohh have i messed something up recently, what have i done wrong? but then...ooh here's the good news, i just got an increase!! and the way he asked me was "we would like to give you a increase, if you want"...i was like...hell yeah!!!! who wouldn't want an increase?

hmm..i'm in a confused state right now with regards to my lovelife..(yeah! i have one now)...not just today...like it's been a while that i got this problems of the heart...can someone just take my heart out please? it's killing me!!!! i'm too young to have problems like this..lol

imma watch tv now.....

sunday sleepiness

2004-09-05T16:30:00.000+08:00

just a sec...ahhh...was listening to Creed's "My Sacrifice"

anyway, i'm experiencing some sunday sleepiness..though i just woke up a few hours ago, i want to sleep again now. problem is...i'm can't sleep...grr! i've been lying in bed for quite a while but still can't sleep so why not post something here again. i want to try and keep this going until i get too lazy to even type "hi, i'm still alive".

so what else have i been up to??...nothing new, still confused with this problems of the heart..don't want to get cheesy here..i better stop now and get back to reading my book (Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code) so that i get to finish it within this week..ta-tah!!~

boredom...

2004-09-04T17:05:00.000+08:00

dum dee dum...here at work...hmm...here at work but got nothing to do...it's like i'm not in the mood to be my usual crazy self...

nothing to do

2004-09-03T16:52:00.000+08:00

as for today..imma just whine about some stuff..like...hmm...this magazine i was browsing through earlier...before you even get to the actual meaningful contents, you'll have to go through dozens of ads first. the table of contents doesn't show up until after 15 pages of ads..but they were not just ads of some insignificant stuff...talking about Gucci, Burberry, Ralph Lauren, Fendi, Ferragamo, etc..this mag must be getting rich coz of these ads..heh..

ooh..i forgot to change the time to my time zone..oh hell, whatever...not important..gotta take a bath now.. ;)

newbie?

2004-09-03T11:57:00.000+08:00

hmm...not actually my first time to write a blog..but this time, i'm thinking of keeping it goin. I've starting blogs before but never actually updated them. now i need to think of something to write about or whine about..lol =Þ